Starts tomorrow, so out for a while.

I need to get my computer hooked into net soon, though. Let’s see where I’ll live.

Now what?

dark times dark

After hellish packing almost everything fit into the car and off we went.

Left my vacuum behind, hope it’ll have a good life with the upstairs neighbours.

Sleipnir didn’t give me grant which I do not understand. They don’t explain why. I guess it has something to do me being student when I applied the money. Although I’m not student anymore when I would be using it. Bummer.

I think that it is my only and ever problem. money, or lack of it. Can’t wait to jump in that sea of forms and papers and whatnot. But before that, I noticed it would be nice to know where to live. They ask your address in almost every form. Well, I am sorting that out slowly.

With this move from one place to another I realized that I have way too much stuff. Only furniture that I had was this quite small cabinet(?), but still the whole car was full. Today I came to my mothers, where’s some of my stuff and started to throw things, mainly clothes, away. Of course I do not manage to throw as much as I should but better some, than nothing.

Found an bunch of old photographs. From my childhood so mostly from 80’s. Some really nice pictures there. I have to take my camera with me to NIM. I also found 3 coupons that will give me 3 free developements. I hope they still work since I’ve got them at least 3 years ago. I really would have use for them.

And what a dissapointment. On saturday we were ready to perform and then we had the information that there’s only 3 people for the audience, and they all could come tomorrow. So we skipped it. It was sad, but luckily the solo after me was choreographed by this quite famous man, so I couldn’t really be too dissapointed. Either they hadn’t advertised the show enough or then there really was so much other things happening. And on the other hand, I really needed more time for packing anyway. On sunday there was audience, not very excited audience but audience all the same. The little feedback I had was positive. My own feeling was quite bad after the solo, the duet went better but I felt that it could have been better. R said that it was the best duet yet (she had seen 3 before, by me and Troll) and that the solo also went really well. So maybe I’m being too hard on myself. And the little feedback that I had, was given by people who didn’t really need to say anything unless they really wanted to, or so I believe. So all went alright. Sadly it’s gives me no hopes that anyone would contact me soon and ask me to come to work/dance for their piece. Maybe someday.



Terrible rush, no time. Now to sleep.
Later, I hope. Don’t know when.

Too much stuff.


dark times dark minds
There’s not much to say. I could go on about this topic for ages. Not now, alright. Later. There’s this number 2 in my certificate that I didn’t really earn. That 2 should be 4 at least. They will make me a new one where the 2 doesn’t show. Why I bother? Cause I’m small minded and easily annoyed and easily annoying. It’s funny, I know that if you’re honest it will do no good but still I’m dissapointed that I don’t get points for being honest. This world works with lie end deceit. Not all of us, but most. I knew this when I was maybe 5, so why on earth I’m still dissapointed?

Good night and good luck to you… wait not all, just to some of you.

Hang on, Id

feed me
Not much coffee today.

Again I was in the shower when the postwoman came and ringed my doorbell. Went to open still and got a packet from germany. There was seidenmatt, Kam:As, Torchous and Masonne.
Till now I have only listened Masonne through, (and it sounds as good as the samples made me expect) and Kam:As’ a gap in a building and that didn’t sound bad either. Happy am I, am I?

Trying to pack things up but it’s really terrible. It needs thinking and organisational approach. I don’t have either right now. Made a chai today and added some pepper, too much actually but the pepper really get’s it going. Not ginger, pepper.

“stop singing this song now”

Not to even think all the food stuff I have. And I noticed that I actually have more kitchen stuff that I want to keep than throw away.

And all the paper stuff, that I know I’ll need when I start to make another handprogram or cd cover, but that might not happen in a year so what the hell I do with them right now. Throwaway all away.

This place is a total mess.

Tomorrow is Kärri-klubi, and I should be playing some music. No one will dance during my set, I can almost promise this already. I think Masonne will end up in the player at some point.

Visited Oddica and I was already ordering some shirts when I noticed the shiping expenses, Crivens.

“I’ve learned to hide my feelings”

Nothing new.

Just another

again and again and again
Silver is just another gold?
Doesn’t make sense. I hear wrong, probably. Nevertheless Silver is brilliant. It’s much more, um, happy than the previous precious, but it’s still clearly Jesu and it’s really good. 2nd album is on process. Jeij we say.

I’m living with anxiety. I’m feeling anxiety. I knew it’s coming but it’s always as unwelcome. Things are changing and I don’t know to what and how and why and. Most of all I don’t know much. I’m scared as always in these situations. Studying is so easy since you have quite simple day/week/month/year programme, but then (now) when it’s done. There’s nothing. I’m not sure what I want to do. Or I am, I want to play like I’ve been playing, with music, with visuals, with movement. But now I should make somekind of living out of it, which means money. I really don’t know who is willing to pay me for playing. The play is work, it’s serious and it has a function, but it’s not as clear function as it would be sitting on a shop counter, etc.

And right now I’m really annoyed that I went and got the degree out of social work. Why? I can’t really be unemployed, they’ll have work for me on socialfield straight away. It just isn’t anything I would like to do AND the pay is lousy. I wouldn’t mind watching kids or helping youngsters if I would be payed, oh let’s say a 2000€/month minus taxes. I could do that half a year and then take other half off. The problem is, they’ll pay for that probably something like 1300€/month minus taxes and that really isn’t a lot if you consider the responsibility of the job and the overall hardness. And anyone claiming it’s not hard, spend 2 weeks with 20 five year old and come talk to me then.

So I don’t like where I am at the moment. Things will clear and shift and be foggy again and the clear again. It’s not that bad I know, but I can’t really help how I feel.

What if we wouldn’t have to worry about money ever again.

I came today from helsinki where I spent a couple of days mainly watching dance. Good performances, although I’m coming to conclusion that to me it’s harder and harder to say something bad about perfromances. Just like with the books. I rarely read a bad book, occasionally yes. It’s seems that within this last year I’ve rarely seen bad performances, occasionally. It’s hard to say that performance is bad. Even from the stuff I don’t get anything, I know that somebody else will, and I know in most of the cases lately, that the performer is really putting herself to it and doing the work honestly and with clear intent. So who the hell I am saying it’s a bad performance. I can say that I did’t get anything out of it or that I didn’t like it, but that’s about it.

About somethings I saw:

Well, I liked R surprisingly lot. I wasn’t so sure why she is doing what she is doing before hand eventhough we talk quite a lot. But seeing her actually performing really opened my mind and woke up some serious questions about humanity, humans and the process of learning/getting something done. And the movement was really clear, sharp [the way babies are] and well studiet. I was kinda worried how the other people will take the work, but all the things I’ve heard have been really positive, from which I’m really glad. Since you probably don’t know what she was doing I’ll open it this much: She has studiet babies, movement and developmental movement patterns for sometime now and the whole performance was that process of learning/evolving from lying to standing [to put it simple].

Raisa was… I don’t know what she was. Breathing, moving beautifully, letting us sense. This is the things that words really don’t reach that much. You have to see her work I guess. Like, it was nothing special in a way and that was so special about it.

I also liked a lot of Maija’s piece. Can’t say much out of it, except that the sounds she got from her friend were great. There was two people credited for sounds, and all sounds worked, but specially the ending of the piece with all the red lights flashing and “your hand is warm inside, warm inside, cold outside”. Movement was really sharp, solid and clear. Small cycles repeating. Didn’t think much.

It won’t be so hard, not for you not you…
Do I hear right? Listen for yourself. Jesu-silver-star

Instead hanging out here, I should get sleep and start packing.
Maybe I’ll read a bit first.

Which brings to mind that because getting myself always in a hurry to leave I forgot to take books with me on wednesday when I left. I got that covered by going to bookshop in Joensuu and getting Gaiman’s “Anansi Boys”. Not bad at all. got me laughing out loud a couple of times and was very very entertaining. I think I have to read “American Gods” again. I still have an opinion that his graphic novels, like the whole sandman series and let’s say “violent cases”, are better than is actual books, but I’m not 100% sure. I have to read Sandmans again. Maybe I’ll have time on this summer. I’ve already packed them.

Do you ever sit on a bus or a train and look all those houses and all the people living their life and just feel so utterly overwhelmed by the futility and the emptiness of it all? And it’s not some teenage angst I’m talking about now. It’s the feeling I got from the book “ole luonani aina” [never let me go] of which I talked about here. That’s the feeling, that we can’t really do that much and what’s the use anyway and…. I wonder how all those really depressed people get on with their days.

good night and good luck to you all.


this fall all falls, we fail

Silver is finally here, and although it’s different, it’s good. Already starting to stick into my head.
Also the Garden of Brokenness is here, but I haven’t got into it yet. Maybe this evening.

There seem to be a lot of accidents happening. One girl who does media studies took a 8 meters fall last week. I do not know her but I hear she’s doing fine. Not even a risk of paraltze or anything. 2 months in hospital because of fractured sacrum. My friend got hit by a car, one broken arm, but really clean break so it will heal fast and is not painful I hear. One my school friends fainted on a class, hit her hear first to the ballet bar and then to the radiator, four stiches. Those are the biggest ones. I only had the finger swollen and yesterday while in a shower I rinsed my ears and got my right one deaf. This morning I went to the healt care and they got it open again. That’s why I didn’t listen Basinski yesterday. I really didn’t hear much. Today is better, although my right ear is still irritated.

Didn’t do anything I was suposed to do today. I think. I would like to finish a couple of video project before I leave but maybe it doesn’t happen. This means that I really need a laptop (macbookpro, what a stupid name) and I know I won’t get it. But I got the tickets to norway booked which was good. Now I should hurry with plane tickets to germany too, but I don’t know to what airport I should fly.

Fixing my vinyls to be ready to move. I should fix the cd’s too. I can always listen through the machine. Which brings to mind that iPod wouldn’t be too bad. It’s a shame that they’re so expnsive.

All that fairytale drollery just might be true.

Milemarker – Satanic Versus
Milemarker – Frigid forms sell
Hangedup – Hangedup
Jesu – Silver
Isis – Panopticon
Väsen – Världens Väsen


another day, day, another day, day, another day
Listening ISIS panopticon and this sounds better than I remembered. I feel tempted to order vinyl version [blue vinyl, blue vinyl, blue vinyl] of the album from here. First I though it was taher expensive, but apparently postage is include to the price.

And I actually knew couples who were like this. Not anymore though.

Finished my writing. All’s done.

There’s so much T-shirt shops that maybe I should start one. I cannot sew, or make prints, but what the heck. Maybe I should learn. It’s nice to have clothes made for you, ar make them yourself. sure to be unique. No one is unique though. Evethough we want it so.

Give me a work to do and money for doing it.

This is a sad story [via]. Let’s think about those copycontrol software and who is really trying to make the profit. Actually in this whole conversation of copyrights it would be nice to hear the artist speak up more. Ususally it’s just someone from music industry. And Yes I know that Albini is not tlaking about copyrights. but he is talking about the industry. Artists, speak up!

All that fairy tale trollery just might be true

all the ...

Ok I’m not sure have I heard this right, so if you’re wondering about the title check out this.

Yes I’m still in the depths of the final writing, but it’s basically ready. Päivi read it today and corrected some mistakes, but there’s still some mistakes she didn’t notice. So I’ll read it again tomorrow, Correct the spellig mistakes etc and then print it out, and it’s there. Well almost. Finnish teacher will read it, and make more corrections if necessary and then after I’ve corrected those it’s all done.

I’ve listened more samples from neurot recordins. I like the stuff.

There’s definetly something in this J. Broadrick guy. I’m listening samples from Final 3 and they sound good. Of course I link the feeling with jesu cause I know the connection. Where can I get the previous ones?

Good night and good luuck to you all.


lift up thy head!

I continued writing yesterday evening till four. Today I wrote a couple of hours. My final works text part starts to be ready, Jeij. I still have to make summary out of it, in english and finnish. I actually think that it’s the hardest part. To summarize 33 pages in one. Good luck.

Listening Peter Jones, works surprisingly well. Waiting for Jesu’s Silver and Basinski’s the Garden of Brokenness.

Trying to figure out where and how and when I’ll move. I should be in norway on 1st of june, so before that. It’s not that easy. I have way too much stuff and stuff and stuff. I guess I should simplify my ownings to only music and art related stuuf, and maybe some clothes would be nice.

Left middle finger still swollen, now even more than before. It clearly hasn’t like me writing for hours.

So my days are clear. After I get final done, I’ll start packing, and throwing things away I guess.

Added three performances of “huomenna,” to Incase you missed the performances. Thanks to all who filmed. Because the lack of space I deleted mercy is never fair draft 1.5 and the first performance of “things we lost in the fire” I’m still hoping I could get Mercy’s draft 3’s edited and added before the end of may. How likely that seems?

Yesterday (was it) visited Neurot records and listened a punch of samples. Battle of mice really struck me. I might have to hear them more, kinda weird stuff.But there’s also other stuff worth a while. Check it out.

And noticed that raster-noton has released an MCD from alva noto + ryuichi sakamoto called revep. I still haven’t got even the new Ryoji Ikeda. Bummer. I really really need a job don’t I?

Visited also southern lord and listened one song out of Boris’ Pink. And my my that sounds good again. But now I know the risk, it can be like akuma no uta, that only the one sample song is really good and the rest of the album is quite crappy. maybe when I have a job I can take more risks.

What seems to be clear though is that where ever I’m moving I want my net to be connected. Thanks.

Sadly it seems.

to be here…

winter time winter chime

My middle fingers is still swollen and hurt. I try to use it as an excuse to not start writing yet. It won’t help at all since the text have to be ready anyway on next monday morning. Today I spent afternoon outside construcKting my thoughts. Everything is raeledto everything so how do I structurize the text? Time order won’t do, I don’t know what will, multilayered. Anyway I have to start soon if not today then tomorrow. if not today, how I’ll use the rest of my day? Outside.

Just visited library. There’s plenty of books and I’ll have plenty of time after next monday.
The nice thing was that the man who was working there thanked me for the performance. I do not know is he a relative of someone from my class, but what does it matter. It’s was very nice. My work is affecting somehow.

Jesu’s Silver is coming as is William Basinski’s Garden of Brokenness, finally. Although I’m pretty sure I’ll be dissapointed to silver. I’m expecting too much after heart ache and debut. I try not to expect anything but I know I do.

Is this in anyway important to any of us. Probably not. yesterday I added some text to darlingdear’s “kirjoituksia” part. Today I’ll add one more I guess. Maybe some of them have some importance, maybe not.

I think I’ll get the masonne too.

It looks like one of my friend moved to denmark. can’t be too happy for her though since I think the reasons of moving are not the best possible but hey, what do I know. And to be honest I’m not quite sure what her reasons are and how long she’s going to stay there. And if she can be happy everything is fine. Running away is the most usual thing to do for us humans though.

I need some more pictures. That’s what I need.

What you will settle? What do you need?

Long weekend

Nothing to do not even with you...

So on friday I was playing music in a club. It went badly. My dance music isn’t other people’s dance music. Luckily there was two other DJ’s who’s dance music was other people’s dance music. I got to dance a lot and was enjoying myself like many others (mainly from dance department though, a bit dissapointment there) So I had hours of fun. From there some of us continued to next door neighbour listened more music and danced some more, although not so enthusiasticly. Next day went by on the terrace/middle roof/whatnot. It’s sunny and hot and we had a breakfast (around two pm) and a lunch and a evening snack (chai and blueberry pie) and then went off to our private movies which was showing the million dollar baby. Surprisingly touching movie. Suicide/eutanasia is really ok, on some cases really. Why a person can’t be in charge of her/his life? S/He should. Today went on a same tracks. Except I didn’t attend to dinner/evening snack since I was rehearsing “mercy is…” wit Troll and got my left middle finger hurt. My own fault completely, and very annoying. Even writing this is harder. I’m a bit worried but I think it will be ok after the swolling goes down. Oh and todays lunch was chocklad cake and ice cream and evening movie was jackie brown, which seemed a bit slow this time. Right now, it feels like that friday night is weeks away, eventhough nothing has really happened, we’ve been just hanging out in the roof.

Listening Lali Puna, very good.

I have a week for writing the essay from my final work, actually the writing is a part of the work. It should be returned next week monday. I’m feeling quite confident, but I hope my middle finger will heal soon.

Good night and good luck to you all.



Started my morning listening over and over again Dead Man Ray’s song “cerchy” which you can find from marginal ep. Absolutely stunning. I’ve done that many times before spending hours of rotating just that one song over and over again. Yesterday’s post got me to put all my DMR and zita swoon albums to computer. Here we are.

Finished reading Kazuo Ishiguro’s “Ole Luonani aina” [never let me go]. It’s hard to say do I like the book or not. I was hoping that they would have gotten away somehow. Left the place, safe, but no. And at the same time I know that it would have been bad ending if it would have ended happy. Almost straight after finishing, I searched for jobs, since my school is ending within a month and I definetly need some money. There’s not much jobs for dancers, there’s a lot for different kinds of social work but jobs are paid lousily and I really don’t want to do it. I realized that the book does really tell about the same situation where most of us are. How the hell I can get away? That’s why book is so depressing, it’s not about them, it’s about us, it’s about me. Although I do have a bit better chances than the characters in the book. If this didn’t get your interest up, never mind. Read something else instead.

Did I tell you about Will Self’s book? I probably didn’t. If you have to choose, take the one above, in that one we’re only miserable about living. In “kuinka kuolleet elävät” [how the dead live] we’re miserable both, living and being dead. But I wouldn’t say that it was a bad book either. Bit repulsive maybe, but not bad.

Tomorrow back to library and getting more books. I have to have some good excuse not to be writing all the time. Ain’t library a fantastic idea. I hope they’ll stay free.

Find that marginal ep.

So long for suzie….
-dead man ray


time and time again

“Hey, what could I say”

1st of may is over. good. Also the performances of “huomenna,” are over for now. On saturday after performing we had a lovely time doing CI on the green grass and then drinking some blueberry smoothie and then after a couple of turns in a electric club, in which they didn’t really play electro but house and techno. But it was fun to dance for 3 hours about. Then back home and spending next two days on the roof, sunshining over and reading a book and drinking a cider a coffee a tea listening reaggea whatnot and eating thingies.

I got a call, been asked to play some music next friday in a bar. I said yes and this morning I spent some time thinking what to play when I came around with Gore Slut. One of Rudy Trouvé’s many bands and they’re very very great. My all time favourite is “white socks” from the first album “these days are the quiet kind” and specially that “hey what could I say” yell, the first one. It also brought to mind that it’s very possible to play Zita Swoon since they have very danceable songs.

White socks

She kinda grinned and said
You still wear those white socks
Just like you used to
And the smell I like
My favorite kinda smell
It’s still all over you
And tell me do you still hide in those little rooms
Just like you used to
Hey, what could I say
No matter however and whatever exactly you do
It’s all very simple
I like you
I still do after all these years
And she said
Why did you bring your lover, I didn’t bring mine
And is there any good to love or is this just a waste of time
And you’ll keep yours, and I’ll keep mine
Hey, so what could I say
No matter however and whatever exactly you do
It’s just kinda basic
I still love you
You know I do even after all these years
And tell me now
Ain’t that enough

Lyrics through HeavenHotel and very good Rudy site is deadbeattown, you really should visit if you feel any kind of interest. Rudy is really something. He’s also been involved with dEUS and Kiss My Jazz and Dead Man Ray. Dead Man Ray is really brilliant also, as is dEUS (although new deus isn’t as fine as ideal crash, but hey, what would be) Kiss My Jazz I haven’t heard to my misfortune. There’s actually a hell of a lot belgium bands you should check out if you haven’t already. Some them are still working and some are already disbanded all of them mentioned here.

Tomorrow back to “normal” and start to write the final thingy. That’s my plan, how about yours?