This body – This life

OK I’ll try.

Everything connects to everything and eventually everything is everything, everything’s the same.

So let’s start at biology: It takes about 9 months for baby to be born. Then it takes about 16 years (so and so) for the being to survive. Specially the first 3-6 years are quite vurnerable. So in order to survive, as species, we need a sense of time, and sense of self. To be able to take care of the children we have to remember that we have one, when it’s been fed last time and so an so and so.

This sense of time as past, present and future gives us possibility to have a sense of self. But all that, sense of self and sense of time comes out from our perception: touch, sound, smell, taste, vision.

You see a baby. At first it isn’t aware of it self, it’s limbs, it’s place in the world. Slowly it starts to realize through it’s perceptions the world and it and their relation and self starts to evolve.
I am I, only because of my perception, but slowly my self can become stronger than my immidiate perception. We learn who “I” am. “You’re good boy”, “You’re such a beautiful girl” “why you always have to be so grumpy” “my god you have an big nose”. We perceive, what is being said and how we are treated. We re/act, world re/acts and we re/act soem more. Quickly we learn what is “good” and what is “bad, what is “normal” and what is not. So instead of seeing angels or spirits or maths we decide not to see them, because I, self, wants to survive and be “free”. And being normal, means that you perceive certain things and certain things you do not. And being normal means that you can walk free instead of being locked up in institution. Of course it’s not only that, being normal eases up your place in community and thus you life, but at the same time it creates another “prison” quite invisible one. And it’s ok as long as we don’t feel imprisoned.
So the I, self, starts to choose what it perceives instead of just truly perceiving all what is there.

Without perception, body, there can not be I,self.
Thus when this body dies, I, myself die.
There will not be another life for me, because I’ll never perceive the same as I did. Until world goes around again.
(all of this is also said by the buddhist, there is no self, only dream of the Mind and mind is everything, so why on earth they believe in reincarnation? I can’t get it)

To change the mind, to alter it, usually we alter the perception. Drugs work fine for this, but I think they’re not necessary. They can give a boost, and sometimes too big one. But it’s possible to alter your perception just by perceiving, through perception itself, Letting it chance.

Also to chance body is to chance the mind, there is no difference, my body my mind are the same thing. All of this is done by me. body and mind, dichotomy is in the language, not on “reality” (what is reality is a different topic then again). So to make my hamstrings longer I need to alter the whole of myself, not to thing me as body and mind but whole. I also need to let myself perceive how long my hamstrings are, and let them be longer.

Most of this stuff I have said simpler and shorter long time ago. This is from my “work diary” that was in while I was still in school:


How hard can this be. The writing process. The attempt to open up myself and my dancing, moving verbally. Time is essential. Space is at least as much. My perception is the most important. Thank you Deborah Hay.

As I’m writing the time don’t seem to pass so well. Sudden realization that actually today the time passed in rush when writing, but slowly when dancing. Was I dancing? Trying to at least.

As I create myself I set bounds, frames. Those frames are not me, they frame me but I may not be inside the frames after all. Frames are the picture of myself, attempt to realize, understand, what I am. I am my perception, my perception is not me. I create myself through relation and comparison, picture of me in this world I’m perceiving. Without those relations/comparisons I’m not.
Without relations/comparisons I’m unbound/unframed.
Without bounds/frames I’m not.
Without perception I’m not.
Words are skin…
Words bound and unbound.
Skin and perception bounds me into this being.
Without “rational” thinking, without words I cannot frame my being.
Without words, Am I?

So at that time I didn’t draw line’s to “afterlife” or the trueness of self as strongly as I do now. But basically it’s been said already then.

And of course like I already mentioned, Christianity goes over this believing the resurrection of the body, and thus perception, and thus I. But at the same time Christian theology is full of hypothesis what that body would be and how we all will and would chance, because the presence of god and us in heaven. I think we are in heaven (already) and god is here, but because we are having problems of perceiving god (eternity, infinity, everything, oneness), we turn this place/life to something else than heaven.

One other somehow interesting thing about my thinking in 2005 was the last question: Without words, Am I? Now how do you think? I think with words, I create world with words, I memorise things, I tell myself a stories. But there is also something else than words, in the way of thinking. Pictures, memories like movies, clear visions. But to make them attached to certain time, I use words again. How do you think? With what medium? And then again, everything is thinking, brain is a muscle. But to set those frames of(on) self, I use language.

Delayed and blurry

Instead of writing my philosophical though (hah) I’ll post another song.
I got this “riff” yesterday I think. But I can’t play it and sing at the same time because I fuck up the rhythm totally so I had to use my fostex. I have no idea why the sound of guitars is so stuffed and muffled… and like usually I can’t be bothered. I wrote the lyrics today. Missing is something my lyrics have gone around for all these years.
I’m also having a slight flu, but somehow, I like to sound of my voice now. I specialy like the high notes…
Ok, so nothing new, but right now, I like the song.

I’m also going to post another version of Play My Name made with fostex, just because another voice. Soon. Meanwhile hear this.

The fact, it even occured to me, surprised deep within
Technique and all the cables involved, overwhelming
small square that shows the space so far, hard to believe in
but something important, the touch, is missing

As this age take us around the world
and see and meet and get to know it
as these days always fall too short
there’s no other chance than keep on missing

so now we meet through the screen delayed and slightly blurry
you say you’re having a busy week and a lot of things around it
I tell I’m missing of the touch of your skin
and sound of breathing, reply: I miss it

Play my name


I got something done, very little but still. This will be my second time releasing something my own here at wavetales. Yesterday I made this little song, today I wrote to lyrics and then just recorded it with my iMac internal mic. So it’s just a small demo but maybe you can get something out of it. And my songs don’t tend to change that much anyway over the times.

I’ll share you also the lyrics although those probably will change a bit

I go beneath the green and keep my eyes shut
Warmness surrounding
Slowly lifting towards the sky

I guess that I should turn around and face the sun
Just few seconds more
floating and then I’m done

As you say my name
I keep looking for sign of resurrection
As you play your game
Reassurance is all that I long for

Over of the blue vast weaving sea
I know I shouldn’t wait
but I keep on waiting all the same

Wave rises up and meet my drifting thoughs/head
I open up my back
to receive the warmth of your hand

As you say my name
I feel better I’ve felt in a long time
As you play your game
I feel like I am little lost child
As you say my name
I keep looking for signs of resurrection
as you play your game
Reassurance is all that I long for

Second version with another vocal track

original demo