race a head
Ok so we are working on this little tine festival over here.

And I work because I want to, but what do I want? I want to be in, that’s what I want I want to be useful to be accepted. I want to be in use. And I want to be able to say this belongs to me and I belong to it because I have worked for it. Then why it is so hard to accept that some people just won’t work but still want to be in, and that some people who work for it, leave out because they feel their work isn’t appreciated enough. And how to communicate that what you feel is what you feel, it’s not reality. How often I feel no one likes me? Well hey, to behonest not so much anymore, but even when I did I knew that there are people who like and appreciate me. So what you feel is only what you feel. And often we see thing the way we want to, unfortenutaly.

But the only point of view I have and thus the only point of view I can change is of myself. So how can I know change my attitude towards the people (or some of them) who I have to work with.
If it would be me, I would say don’t come at all, but it’s not of me.

My part is not important. I’m not important for this festival or it’s organizing “community” none of us are. Mirva said it. This group is bigger and so massive that even if individuals take off, drift off whatnot it will probably not slow us much down. And while saying this I know that individuals form the “community” and already when some (or one) of us are not in this year much have changed, not for worse and not for better, but changed.

So how do I change my feelings? When I know I work because I want to, no one made me. And I know some of us don’t have the capability to work like others. I just wouldn’t want to share this with that kind of person when most of what I see around me is still showing their effort and trying their best even with much more complicated life situations.
But I should have opened my mouth long time ago, I’m too late know. That’s why I have to change my way of thinking.

Oh well. about a week to go.

Next week will be dreadful/exiting anyway. I start a new job, hopefully. And I still can’t believe I got it. And I’m not sure why I got it. But I’m so glad of it since I need some dicipline from outside since myself one is way too weak.

I had a pair of speakers here in me home to listen to. I like these magnats more even though at first I wasn’t happy with them. So I returned the otherones back to shop. But it’s so nice of them to let me test them.
And a lot of new music again.. so much that I can’t even think of anything to write except I’m so dissapointed that I didn’t get Earth’s HEX on vinyl when I could. I can’t find it anymore and I have almost all their other albums. The Bee’s Made Honey in the Lion’s Skull is so nice.

I should I should I should.



Whatever the reason, I’m sick again.
One woman I know would blame the stuff I eat,
I would blame working with kids.

Anyway this is the fifth day with sore throat, not so bad anymore though. And not really a fever at all which is always confusing… just sore throat, nothing else.

This is deeply annoying since it’s means that I’m still sick, and it might rise a fever, or something else. So no jam today which makes me feel… well, not good. and no work tomorrow apparently which makes me deeply annoyied since one very bad side of being a freelancer is that you don’t get payed if you don’t go to the work, which again means that I’ll not get the money I though I would. Is money everything? No, but occasionally it helps. Specialy since food price are over the top over here.. I don’t know should I laugh or cry… it’s just ridiculous.

Anyway.. where are we. I finally read Herrigels Zen and the art of archery (or how ever that is translated to english). I know what I lack, massivly, dicipline. I’ve never been good on that. Just never, I could be really good with guitar, if I wuld have the dicipline to practise that, but I’ve never had. Well, there’s a lot taht I could be with dicipline. THen I’m thinking about this zen and how I’ll never be anygood at that because I lack the dicipline of sitting for hours and hours.

At the same time it comes forward in places I would not have though like in Dan Simmons “Endymion”, well, it’s soap and scifi but zen nevertheless. So what is zen? uh…

found William Blake’s marriage of heaven and hell in finnish from internet and ordered it. I hope I get it next week. I remember a lot of it in english thanks to Ulver, but specially towards the end I’m lost. So it will be nice to have it and read it with more time and more time. I read it in OKu many times but still.
Also I try to read De Dao Jing more often since SOS is getting near and I’m hoping to get even more inspiration to my teaching, maybe Blake will offer that also.

A lot of people have cancelled their coming to sos. I’m very dissapointed. We still have people in the waiting list though, but some of the cancelled ones have been really nice people who I wished to meet. But now there will be other nice people instead of them so it will be fine I’m sure.

I never use scarf normally, but now I do. So nice that I was given one long and thick one last august.

I guess that’s all for now.

Enough for…

shells shells shells

Long time of no writing. No feeling to do it.
But there has been a lot going on somewhere I’m sure. Nothing here except on some level.

This meeting we ahd with the start of annoyance: Who’s annoying you.
I keep my filters/shell on not to annoy you even more? No I don’t know is that the answer.
I keep my filters/shell on because I’m afraid? No I don’t know is that the answer.
How do you know you’re afraid?

I’ve been so dissapointed to so many things. Mainly to myself and not being able to see way clear through. So much of what I just don’t know about myself or are not clear/certain of. Certaintity is a trap anyway.

And new music flooding in, Something that keeps me sane… or alive I think.
Well it’s not the only thing.
I should write more about September Malevolence‘s After this darkness, There’s a next and maybe I will. There’s is a great reason why it’s in top 08. And again great reminder why the genre of music isn’t important. They’re using so much typical “post-rock” sounds and arrangements, but the songs are brilliant unlike so many other “post-rock” act. And I don’t know where sweden get’s all it’s singers. SM’s singer could be from logh almost.. but adding vocals is good. specially because also their lyrics are, if not all, some really good. This album also helped me to get some of the sadness out I have stored in me. So what I do. I get the cd version of it too.

Helms Alee was a positive surprise, but you can read more from Aversion Online if you want a review. But I like it a lot.

Mouth Of Architect/Kenoma split is well.. MOA’s side is brilliant, it’s catchier than their new album I think, now.

Then there’s a plenty of stuff from electro side of things that I found from staalplaat when visiting berlin. One of my favourites is although buddha machine II. After getting it I had to get the first version also. But also from that you can read plenty just searching if you want. But it’s brilliant. I even ordered for my ipod touch which I don’t have! I’m just so sure I’ll get one and what would be better first aplication to install than BuddhaMachine.

So what about buddhism or Zen. yeah I’m onto it. After coming to the same conclusion about the “self” by rational thinking while being on a trip all of this has been very amusing for me. The proble with rationality is that it has very few connection to actual life. We think it is connected, but mainly most of us are still moved by emotions, urges, needs, wants, instincts. It’s ok. I know I need dicipline.

I have this huge project going on of getting all of my cd’s onto a hard drive. With iMac that reads about 3x speed one cd it will take ages.
One reason why I’ve been listening mainly vinyl lately.

Once upon the time dEUS was great. But all things pass. Well no, they might still be great, but their studio efforts haven’t been so. And this is of course, like everything, just my humble subjective perception.

Reading Endymion and the last sequel by Dan Simmons. It’s soap but keeps me entertained.

Top 2008

I’ll do this even though shorter this time. These are Not in order, of any kind.

Capsule – Blue
Just brilliant. HC, melodies, energy, intensity, atmosphere.

Black Boned Angel & Nadja – Christ Send Light
So good. Makes me somehow happy and willing to give everything away because realisizing I have nothing and I’ll never have. This feels good.

Nadja – Bungled and Botched
After hearing Desire in uneasiness I as slightly worried, It didn’t really work for me, but after this my worries were blown away. Name song is such a massive construction of quality.

Nadja – Touched (vinyl)
Nadja – Radiance of shadows (vinyl)
Nadja – Truth Becomes Death (vinyl)

It’s just that releasing these on vinyl is such a right thing to do.

Tokyo Police Club – Elephant Shell
I wrote about more of this earlier

Nice to have them back.

Virus – Black Flux
Nothing sounds like this? Does it? it’s so clear continuation for Carheart, it’s great. Where the hell else you can hear such a waves in the music? And who else can make a line “peacocks used to walk these lawns” so threatning filled with loss.

Motorpsycho – little lucid moments
Two first song are tremendously brilliant rock.

Spoon – Gagagagaga (2007)
07 release but I found it on 08. Made my summer so much better with “Finer Feelings” and “Don’t You Evah”

September Malevolence – after this darkness, there is next
Such a huge step from the debut. Melancholic and moody. Beautiful as hell.

Audrey – The fierce and the longing
Beginning of summer, Good. “Way your sking fits so well”

Ihsahn – angL
I’ve been having troubles with falling out from metal scene so totally, so hard to find anythign worth while and there’s so much that I don’t know where to start. This was a pleasant “find”.

Andrey Kiritchenko – Misterrious
Already Andrey’s previous one for Spekk was brilliant. THis continues in the same vein. I like it.

Bon Iver – For Emma, forever ago
Damn this grew on me. In all of the sadness or melancholy it’s just makes me feel happy that there is someone(s) who can and make music this good.