lost in moments

Everything ends eventually and so it should be.

Festival was great. We did a good job, although some minor things we could have done better, but so it is always.
Point of views.
I was happy to see so many dear people and some specially dear people and to see them happy. I felt happy too and feel still happy, and slightly sad, but in a good way.

Back to working life today, and it was good too. It’s nice to go to work where you want to go.

Jerome had send me Nadja’s Corrasion (+ other stuff) and it looks and sounds great. Of course.
Blue vinyl, ah.

There was again some thoughs that I should have written down, but I didn’t and I’m not sure can I recollect them now. Something about dancing, and love, and war, and communication.
To think world would change if everybody would dance CI is.. well true, but would it change for better and how much? I’m not so sure. I’m quite sure we would still have wars and fights and whatnot.
However dancing is great so it could help if everyone tried it.

But to think… I can be open when I’m dancing, but I’m not an open person. I keep myself to myself, often. Like in here. I tell a lie, but ask anybody. To make assumptions about anyone for what ever reason and not to recognize those to be Just assumptions, is stupid. Nevertheless I do it all the time.
So please tell me who you are and what do you want. And yet again we fall into the question of identity.

When I dance who am I? dance is dance, I’m not dancing the dance, dance is dancing me. When it’s good. Ilona was saying the same (I think) but at the time I though of something else. I think the problem I mostly fall with language is that the concept of I is totally wrong. It is me who is dancing all the time. And it is (I am) aware, It (I) does what it’s have to, no more no less, but it’s (I’m) beyond the questions of good/evil right/wrong life/death. And maybe for a human being that is not such a common state. Although it can be achieved, for me often with the help(?) of art.

Ok, let’s leave philosophy aside.

I might have done mistake today. I changed my phone operator deal and ordered a new phone. I really need one, since my old is broken and hardly working (sometimes people on the other end hear me, sometimes not), but I’m not sure was this a good deal or not. Let’s see. It’s always problematic when you’re “stuck” with something for 2 years. Well, let’s see how does it go. After all, it’s only money, I just “lost” 230€ because not being able to use the flight tickets I had on wednesday to barcelona. But I have rehearsals, and I want to be here, not in barcelona. Just couldn’t change the dates with reasonable price. So it goes.

Next summer looks full, but we are not there yet.

To your ID

You see.
Either you go with it, totally, or then you don’t. If this form of reality applies to case at hand, it should apply also to other cases. So there we are then. It would be nice to choose only the good bits, but all bits are bits and only thing making them bits is our labelling mind.
This we all know.

Talking about power and authority and identity, and again Luke Rhinehart comes to my mind. I have to buy that book for myself. We use power structures, yes, we cling to our identity? Why, I think mainly because of safety. Relatively stabil places/surroundings/enviroment brings us safety. And without identity, who am I? In the book misten Rhinehart was so depressed and so bored that he was willing to discard the relative safety of social strucktures and behavious. However it’s evident from the book that most of the time he had one sign of safety with him… actually two: Faith and money. it’s easier to feel safe when you know you don’t have to worry about food, living etc. funny enough.

Ok, so then this new communicating, meeting human being, who is able to be open and meet other without fear (for it’s own safety) and thus without need of controlling or oppressing. So who is that, without identity? Can’t think so, because who is it then? who is meeting? Identity is not a bad thing (or is it) but if I get strung out by it… If I perceive me as in control and thus strive for it, to be me… but no, to seek control is to fear. But I fear I lose myself, that “me” is lost? That there’s no one? That’s why it’s so hard to enlighten because we fear it. well most of us do, like we fear death. End of me.
Life is, I don’t have to.
Life is, “I” don’t have to.
me is. Yes this is again just a play of words, words are always a play. Most of things are after all.
Play of god, who got so bored that divided itself into things, that are all god anyway. Everything is god. god is Everything.

I think have written this long ago here too. In the old testament (of the bible) god defines itself. I am the one who is. So look around you? All that is. you’ll see god.

Meeting people is easy.
So what I’m afraid of?
I’m afraid of so many things. Most of them can be divided to or derive from life/death, good/bad, right/wrong. But we know all of these are connected to the point of view. Why would I do wrong from my point of view? But when I truly realise that everything is the same, there is no my point of view. does this mean that there is so many wrongs that “to do” is paralyzed or that there is no (possible) wrong? I think the latter. Why possible? When you love yourself, you don’t brake it, what you love [you don’t pen, to put in a cage is to put to an end] you don’t brake, when everything is god, (and who doesn’t love god) there is no possibility to choose wrong.
But of course there is.

So what are you afraid of?

Less I try, less I have to fear. There’s nothing to fear and yet I choose to waste my days [watching them change] worrying. So, choose again.

I was willing to choose her over and over again. Out of love or out of fear, sometimes I wasn’t sure. She was choosing me over and over again out of fear (my point of view). But fear uses, burns out, fades you away and finally it was no longer possible.

True love has no room for fear, and if it’s so, I’m not sure have I ever loved anyone fully. Because love doesn’t worry about loosing. There’s nothing to loose.

So I understand, but I can’t embody.

Sometimes, I notice that loosing myself are the moments of pure joy. Why fear?