Bonds are shackle free
Now what was it this time?
It seems that for some reason, unkonwn to me, my iScrobblerr doesn’t update my iPod. So last.fm is late and lossed.
Bass Communions Loss is out on pic vinyl.
Just got Cult Of Luna’s Eternal Kingdom as pic vinyl.
Aren’t we happy.
Yesterday in SOS meeting thinking about power.
What is power and how do we use it, and perceive it.
I have power over no one. And no one has power over me unless I’m willing to give that power to the person.
Only power that can be over me with out me giving it (in a way or another) is physical power… violence in fact.
Often the ones we love have power over us, somehow, because often we are dependable of the ones we think we love. Is that love, dependable? Or we give the power over us, because we feel they can hurt us. But why my love would hurt me? No, it’s the hopes and dreams of me being special, in the same way as the one that I love is being special to me. It’s the hope and dreams of being near, always, it actually comes close to possession. I want to posses… And again Love doesn’t posses anything, and love doesn’t fear anything.
But now I’m talking about ideal. And we’re not ideal, we are confusing mix of emotions, motions, thoughs and feelings. And the way I perceive love, felt, is never “pure” ideal. It’s a mix of feelings, hopes, wants, needs towards others and towards myself. But this is clear to everyone, right.
It’s me who can give the power over me. We are free. Only thing that can bound us is capability of ourselves, physics and some one(s) physically bounding us to.. imprisoment, slavery, violence…. Only thing that can bound us is violence… and physical reality, because I am and we are physical reality. But we build our own prisons, own jails, own power structures and hierachies. And sometimes it’s needed… as long as we remember that power over me(us), can only be physical one.
I had (ve) a tendency to build shackles in my relationships, because… being insecure, being in need, being fragile. And all the time I dreamed of relationship(s) that can be free. And I tried to set free, in rational talking… and slowly also my emotional responses changed. But I forgot that it’s not me who is building shackles, except for myself. People build their own shackles, I can help them to build them, I can also help them to be free of them (as well they can help me, both ways), but I never can truly free anyone from them because they have to do it themselves (as well I have to do it myself).
I don’t want anybody to be with me because I want them to. I wish that they want to be with me. And sometimes this is miscommunicated or mixed.
There is many kind of people, I take just two now. People who show that they’re hurt and be martyrs at it, and people how pretend to be tuff, and be martyrs at it, but only to themselves.
I don’t know how to write this open.. I can talk it open and I have done it, but… I’ll try anyway.
I notice that I don’t want to tell too much about my personal life here, but time changes everything.
I have a tendency to be tuff. To not to care or at least to pretend not to care. But I’m trying to change it, example:
We’re at the festival and I’m meeting a girl to whom I’m quite attracted to and eventually we sleep next to each other in the same bed. Next evening I say that I would like to spend the next night also beside her, and she answers: “I’ll think about it”. I get hurt, and normally (before) I would turn cold and pretend not to care what she does, and leave the situation. Instead I tell that I’m surprised how much her answer hurt me (and I really was surprised). And she says “but it was just a joke, of course I will come next to you.” So I don’t get her sense of humour… ok. but I don’t know what would have happened if I would have acted “normally” at least the start of the jam wouldn’t be so good for me.
So why I still sometimes return to this “tuff” acting. It doesn’t help anything. I can be honest, there’s nothing for me to loose.
One thing that I like to make more clear about the example is that actually it was not she who hurt me, it was her answer and there is a difference. I had hopes, needs, wants, and her answer declined all of those. But it’s not she hurting me, but my own hopes, needs and wants that want to be fulfilled.
So the other thing that I don’t want (and I usually don’t do) is to play martyr. Try to make other one feel guilty of not answering to my dreams, “making me” hurt, and making big deal about it by “not making big deal about it” and walloving in sadness the rest of the time.
It’s ok to say no, and it’s ok to ask.
I have nothing to lose, I have nothing. I don’t want to shackle anyone into me. I want to create bonds that last, but that’s up from the all parties considered.
I think that’s about it this time.