Songs I hear(t)


Not quite that warm yet though… well some days ahve been, today, not.

Been busy mainly just digitizing my cd’s. Pretty dull in a way but then today I listened Kent for a such a long time and my god.. I don’t know.. what is nostalgia? Because I don’t relate those song so much in my life. I can remember when I heard some of them for the first time and so.. But mainly I think they move me just because they’re so undenyingly good. Listen Kräm (så närä får ingen gå) or 10 minuter (för mig själv) from Verkligen or Blåjeans, Ingenting någonsin or När det blåser på månen and tell me those song aren’t great and I tell you’re tone deaf. So moving so great so beautiful songs. It’s awesome.
THen I listened some old days like Fell of the floor, man and Via and same thing… Uh. deeply moving. or then it’s just the time of the year.Or then it’s just that I really listen…
I can listen or then I can really listen, let myself go into the music or let the music come into me. And the sensation within these two just listening and really hearing/being is very different. Like.. err.. I hear the same things.. same sound waves but in latter I really let them sink in deeper emotional level and that’s why I’m moved. Often specially in company I can’t or I don’t dare to let myself really listen because… well maybe there’s this tough that it makes me vunerable because it makes me cry but actually.. it doesn’t it’s deeply empowering.. Maybe it has more to do with “normal” social behaviour and how people tend to react on crying. ANd it’s great to be with someone or someones that you trust that they don’t get uncomfortable and you can really listen and really let yourself feel and be in the music as full as you are. But there’s not so many people I’m comfortable enough to do this, but maybe I should start to give people more credit.

So my father got himself a new toy, which mean I got a new toy. It’s nice, it’s noce from him also.
Now I can do internet stuff in my travelling too if I want (like

The promise I gave was fullfilled today. Mirva cut my hair and I’m so very thankfull for her. It would have been so different thing to go some barber who I don’t know and who doesn’t know than to have it made by a dear friend with whom I have shared (and am sharing) such an important part of my life, dancing CI.

Talking about Mirva and CI I was in her last class in Kiev (didn’t make there untill the second day after her class) and it was the first class maybe in 3 or 4 years at least when somebody is teaching some technically really advanced material. And don’t think this in a wrong way, advanced isn’t really a thing as such. Most of advanced stuff is always just basic but with different depth. Butthis stuff she gave on counterbalances was really difficult. And if you do it “wrong” it’s quite easy, but to do it right like she showed you have to be so aware of your center, mass, support and directions that it’s just not an easy thing to do. She’s really great teacher.

I don’t really know what else. I’m wondering how I will live with my new hair. One dear friend of mine told that hair carry a lot of our past in them, and if you want to change something in you or your life cutting hair might help. I do want a change, but like always I want a fairytale change, let’s see will it happen.
Some changes are for worse…. but I don’t know how to write about this so I won’t. Just that one more reminder that there is always real people behind the tabloid news.
My life is good, DO I appreciate it enough?

But people are different I have couple of friends who are like me, that they’re mostly complaining about things. More often, if not seeing just the negative side, at least stating it out. Eventhough in my eyes their life is in many ways so easy. But in them I se myself. I’m like that to, my life is so easy, that’s why I have all this time to complain in the first place…

Soon, maybe I’ll try to do some songs… next week I think. just something raw… easy uncomplicated. Same chords, same notes, over and over again.

You are free.

same chords

sun tree again
I have this thing with… D tune. se E down tuned to D and then just letting it ring with A and maybe pressing the actual D on fourth so adding F#.. and sliding it into G… so D-A-F#->D-A-G… then taking the two strings up… so having F#-C#-F#->F#-C#-G….I’m really bad at remembering the notes.. But most of my songs seem to base this same thing… And you can have countless of variations that might sound quite the same to some one else’s ears but to me they all seem to be rather unique.. No, I tell a lie, but I just enjoy those notes so much… that transition that ever since after “million miles” they just keep appearing again and again…
I can’t even count in how many songs…

Got some more Mono. Lot of you might know better but it seems that new york soundtracks is remixes from one more step and you die, well you also might know that since both of them were sol out on vinyl long time ago temporary residence took new pressing and packed them into one sleeve. And oh how nice they look.. clear with black haze… but anyway I seem to like more of the new york than the originals…
Then again the “new” Hymn to the immortal wind doesn’t get me so excited… it’s somehow too big at the moment.. too symphony.. too movie like… but maybe I’ll grow into it.
Drift’s noumena sounds like Drift so it’s good, which is good…

Eluviums vinyl pack Life through bombardment is a beaut’ music if great too but that I know already…
Kodiak sounds good. Doesn’t reallly hit me in the head but passes the time at the moment… and it might hit me later on, It has potential to it.
Mihai Edrisch is kinda good… I’m not so into the vocals, but otherwise the music kicks ass.
Both Kodiak and Mihai on colored vinyl of course… Kodiak on nice cold blue, Mihai on orange with black haze. Beautiful things.

I probably have wrote about this aleady but nevermind. Stars of The Lid’s And their refinement decline is sooo great… it builds up slowly on you, and before you know you realise that what you’re hearing is one of the most beautiful things you can hear upon this earth and thus in an everpresence of god.
Well, we are in an everprecence of god all the time of course but we realize it hardly often enough.
And for some reason I want to mention that there is a lot of music like that. But it doesn’t make this or any of it less valuable.
So thanks to this I just got Tired sounds and Ballasted orchestra maybe they also start to open up on vinyl…

Otherwise life is going as it goes. I’m cutting of my hair, but I’m not because it’s Mirva who’s going to do it and she will return on tuesday so I have still some days with these long things.
I wasnt to dance a bit more yes please.
And today I was almost given a promise of raw birthday cake, which I hope I will have. We’ll see how it goes.
I try not to hope to not to dissapoint.

Saw a movie today “slumdog millionaire”. Very entertaining… I want to life like that but without all the troubles though, and with the fairytale ending… thanks.

And Jutta left her computer to me to play for a day… I want one too.. when on earth is apple going to release new macbooks?
Tomorrow I have to test how well does it work with podX3… will it work, because my iMac doesn’t but this is so old this thing I am writing with.

Life seems to be a mess. I shouldn’t worry too much…
Like. I’m not afraid of dying, I’m afraid of living and that’s sad. Live goddamnit.
So how should I be living then?
Free the dream.

Earlier than expected

So I left, and you thought I’ld stay.
I wanted to stay, and I wanted to leave. I wanted to stay more, but I had my flight already, and it’s so easy to fall back on old and familiar unpleasantness than to keep up with the new one.
But you’re right and I know it.
So I want to change somethings in my head.
That change might be bit too late for you.
Disappointed again that I won’t return straight away.
And how often it just comes down to money. Too often for me, I wish it wouldn’t.
So No return flights next time. Nothing so easy to fall back.

I have plans, but for long I have had plans that I never really sticked, being too laze too scared too something else.

I made a promise and that will change something in me. Seems that I’m cutting a bit of my hair. It will grow back, in a year or so.

What if you would expect nothing? Would you still be disappointed?
What if I expect nothing? Can I still make commitment?
I often my commitment need a commitment from someone else. If no one else will, neither will I.

More I read and think more clear it is that there is nothing to loose, and thus nothing to be afraid of.
So why am I so afraid?
of new.
To fall back, into familiar.

I sense myself worrying a bit. But there’s not much to worry.
I’m being blamed to be selfish. I am, and so are others. Shellfish.

Where is home?
Like so many other things, it’s just a state of mind. But we have to remember that places are also a state of mind.

I buy things to make myself an anchor, to have connection, identity. Not to drift. And thus I’m so afraid when I have to give up all of that. because I’m afraid of giving up myself. No reason why. I will learn. Let go, give up.

A lot on repeat (which won’t probably show since it has strange relation to repeats on iPod):
Magenta Skycode – Go outside again (28)
Chan Marshall – The Greatest (5)
And nice to listen to Pronssinen Pokaali and Maj Karma after a long while.
New found thing, kinda, Jozef Van Wissem, “A priori” ah.
And not as such a big surprise. I do love new William Basinski yet again. I know he doesn’t bring anything new… well I tell a lie… anyway there’s not so much variation but that repetativeness is such a bliss. 92982.4 is sooo beaty uh… And yeah I know it could have been on some of his earlier releases and I’m not sure about the difference, but there is a difference… there’s some subtle change’s of the mood of the loops. Like, same same but different…

Maybe that’s it this time.

And I crumble back into dust


Long while. Didn’t get much done when I was home and now I’ve been travelling for two and a half weeks. Seems like I’m coming “home” though. Seems like I’m coming something else too? And then, what is home again?

I read a beautiful book by Giorgio Agamben called “the coming community”, in finnish of course. I don’t really intellectually get the half of it, sentences are so difficult, but intuitively I get much out of it. After all the book is closer to poetry than anything else. Again I notice a lot of coherence with buddhism or zen (whatever they may be), but then again it’s quite expected that from the text I don’t understand I understand concepts that are already familiar to me. I have to read it again some time later and see what do I get then.
Then I started Arthur Schopenhauer’s “death and immortal” and it’s bloody buddhism again. rather nice in a way… but read more from wiki if you want to.

So why am I so afraid of life when there’s nothing to be afraid of? Everything happens, has happened and will happen. And I crumble back into dust. (which is of course from Nadja’s “Bug/golem”)

Otherwise I’m in… well where the hell am I? sometimes happy sometimes sad… or not pleased, It’s so easy to be not pleased and I don’t know why. Everything should and is good so why I’m so unable to enjoy it?

Like what the hell is it that I want anyway?
Could someone please tell me this. (except of course I want the fairytale life where they lived happily ever after)


Yesterday I visited science museum and saw art pice called “listening point” it was good, really good. What kind of lives we do live around this planet.