Is absolutely terrible.
Too much stuff, too small bag, one new bag that is also too small.
LIke what it would be needed in two months… Or hopefully more.
Too many books.
Quite a few dance pants… and dance clothes, not enough “normal” clothes..
And the the sleeping bag and mattress… too much….
And the new backbag is good for computer but then nothing else fits into it.
And my old eastpak is perfect, you can fit a shop in there but it’s a messenger and with computer it’s so heavy that it isn’ really nice to carry at all…

+ then there are people saying coming not coming and all te rest.
Pretty soo however I should be in a place with some friends and some new people and hopefully lots of dancing…
I’ll try to figure out how I’ll get enough stuff with me or will I?

Why worry when there’s nothing to worry about.
It’s not so serious, only stuff.

Then again not getting the packet from conspiracy because of Itella truly sucks.
Nathan at Conspiracy has been great, so there is nothing to complain. but apparently Itella has lost the packet somewhere and now GLS the original transporter can’t really find it. Or haven’t at least told me if they have.
It sucks. There is the new Isis.

Then again got stuff from Drone Records.
He always send some promos too which is so nice. WHen I get rich I’ll order the all of their drones. Two new Subtantia Innominata are coming out in any minute. And to me it seems that the series is just getting better. At least Voice of Eye was great. In the same packet Aidan’s Gathering Blue. It seems that this year lot of releases but also lot of them recycling old material. Nevertheless the name song is superb. So I’m happy.

Tone Float releasing new Bass Communion, kind of a must… bummer.
Buddhists come to help, How can I get rid of this want… Haha..

After last mail… Sun, dancing a bit, teaching, water, walking, talking, singing and stuff. Nice time and nice people, even when I don’t understand much of what they’re talking about.



It’s way too late in St.Petersburg but I’m not able to sleep probably anyway. Tomorrow is an early morning start towards lake Laatokka. So What I’m doing is reading this buddhist stuff from wikipedia and this caught my mind a bit: from Skandhas

To give a simplistic example, if one believes “this body is mine” or “I exist within this body,” then as one’s body ages, becomes ill, and approaches death, one will likely experience longing for youth or health or eternal life, will likely dread aging and sickness and death, and will likely spend much time and energy lost in fears, fantasies and ultimately futile activities.

The only thing that I disagree, a bit is that… well the suffering and dread is caused by longing of being young. I can think I am this body because it’s what I am. Then it’s a different thing do I just see what I am, or do I want or long to be something else, like young healthy etc.
I still think that I am my body. But the question is what is I. and this is the thing that buddhist keep going on about, i guess. I as a concept am my body and my body is those 5 skandhas. I can see that. When I let that longing go… I’ll still be my body, the conceptual self. and when the body dies, I die. That’s it.

I still think that buddhism is not about something that goes… aw… fuck. no. I want to see buddhism as something, not about future, not about striving for nirvana like it would be heaven. If it would be so then I can’t see much difference and then striving is longing. So with longing for nirvana I’ll lcling and bind myself and my life to that concept and ideal. And everything is changing and I shouldn’t cling. So I can cling to not clinging.. It’s endless and totally hilarious.
Anyway I want to see buddhism something for life, for this moment, not for future or past because there isn’t any and actually there’s not even present moment because it’s only here in comparison to past, future. So this moment is eternity, something for eternity.
Yeah maybe I follow these ideas of Tao more. If I worry about my karma and I try to make good karma is it really good because it’s thinking of self, it’s something for me. If actions are immediate, without judgement without labelling… now.. I can’t say what they are because then they would be labelled…. Such a lot of fun…

I remember this talk we had with pre SOS meeting group about doing good. And Ville said that he doesn’t want to do good, or was it that he doesn’t want to help. Like if there someone who needs some food he might go to shop and get some food and have talk and so on, but it’
s not helping, it’s just being together in the moment, sharing something, the moment, the eternity…

I start more and more get this Sunjata, Shunyata, Sunyata…
Everything is empty, ever flowing, without true “self” or stable substance.
And it’s also clear why De Dao Jing says: Those who talk don’t know, those who know don’t talk.
Words as well as thoughs are ever circling around of reality, but they never catch it.

So while I’m at it I’ll just write this out as well.
Why do I dance CI?
This idea of Tao and Wu-wei, immediate action without judgement, doing what is needed, what is natural, with out trying to make it anything else. And this perception that the experience and the experiencer is the same. From those both I have very clear experiences when dancing. I do not react. I justg act, I don’t “think” about the action, is it good or bad, where it will lead where is came from I just be in the dance. and I can’t say it’s me who is dancing. dance, me, moment, weight, experience, perception are all the same one thing. When I’m inside of this frame of dancing CI I am free. But I’m free inside of the frames, when I come out of it, or if for some reason my partner doesn’t have the same frame, I very easily start to question things. But questioning doesn’t mean judging. But just being more aware of the principles behind the choices (partners and mine) and the past and the future. If I don’t long for and don’t judge (these go easily hand in hand) all the dances are good. But it’s not always easy.

Ok.I’ll stop now before I get more mixed up.

Move on

Going off again fora short while.
Into island, with no electricity.
But I’ll drag my iPod with me nevertheless.
This is the “old” one, now I have new gelaskin, but I didn’t manage to fit it as well… so no pictures. But it protects nevertheless.

Not much happening and at the same time feeling a bit hurry in these two days in helsinki.
Got another pair of five fingers, god knows why.
Packed my rucksack for this island trip (4 days) and it FULL, wondering how I’ll get all needed stuff with me when I’ll hit the road and festival for 2 months without stopping home.
Maybe I don’t need so much. After all that’s what I’m trying to learn all the time. Why worry. Actually I don’t worry, I’m just aware that I have to use a bit more time figure out the packing before I’ll leave. And again I have day and a half in between.

Still no word about the missing packet. Damn.
Futuron is ok now. their service was shit. But at least now things are working, well enough.

Bide webpages was another that took surprisingly long time. They too are ok now (I hope) although there some small things that could be a bit better.

I haven’t danced CI for two weeks. It’s great to get into it again. And if the place is nice (and possible) we’re going to do some challenging things… maybe.
Like we are going to do them, it’s a different thing are they really challenging, for some i think.

Take care now.
Future is short.

Sunjata (20.06.2009)


20.06.2009 Saturday

Bday and “midsummer” went on quite nicely, with slight bit of rain.
But there were more people on the day time going through the exhibition, which was nice. And Anja got the fresh bakery back into the “salary” which was nice. and their “support still gets me angry, and annoyed but after I wrote this html that has all of the emails, I’m quite ok. maybe I’ll put it up if needed. It’s in finnish though.

Other thing that got me greatly annoyed was finding out that conspiracy had sent the packet long time ago, but with change of mac’s and everything I didn’t ask them early anough how is it. Nathan send me the tracking number and I found out that local post office (Itella office) had had it longtime ago, but the fuckers haven’t snd me ANY notice. and now they’ve send it pack already. I call to Itella’ customer service and they say, that there’s nothing I can do, only the sender can try to have reclamation from it. What kind of service is that? th same has happened before, but then I luckyli got the tracking number and it was still in office, so I got the packet out with it. But also then they hadn’t send me ANY notice that the packet was there. How to hell they think I’ll pick up my packets if they don’t let me know that they have one for me. Their service is such a shit. no wonder apple and every big corporation (with money) uses UPS or Fedex or whatnot.
I jsut hope that Nathan writes me back and tells that they have the packet back in their custody… so then they can send it back to me later on… and this time I’ll make sure I’ll have the tracking number from the start… and then tell my father to pick it up.. since hopefully I won’t be back in finland.

I don’t know will I end up somewhere else. but when it feels permanent I have to make a big trip to finland and get all of my vinyl.

I’m reading Alan W Watts “Zen” again. It’s quite nice because of the brief history of Tao, Hinduism into buddhism, mahajana buddhism and then Zen. But it’s written in 1950 and I wonder would there be same kind of book but just newer since I think there might be some new information about the history of buddhist writings and maybe also more accurate translations than in the ’50’s. Sadly most of the books I have find about Zen are filled with new age jargon about being in the moment and finding yourself… Uh.

But it’s interesting how everything relates in this world of “maja”
In some sense. In mahajana buddhism there are directions that come quite close to Luther. Because everything is as it is, and we are all buddhas, trying to enlighten only binds us more closely into desire and is also just building up ego. So only thing that we can do is to believe that we are Buddha already and we become one. Some one “scholar” has even said that only the repetation of the name of buddha Amitabha is enough since he realised that even trying to believe is too artifical. And this comes very close to Luther idea of “Only from faith”. We can’t think or pretend that we are pure and good enough for god for our own actions. If we think so it will only get us proud and pride was the reason why Lucifer fell. So only reason we are good enough for god is Jesus’ (ie god’s) sacrifice, and only thing we can “do” is to believe that we are saved.
The world view behind these two are very very different of course and thus can give us quite different ethics, morals and so on. But the basic principle of human beings true nature is somehow the same…
Why, because in both the basic principle is something you cannot really explain with words….
We only need to believe that we are saved, that we are buddhas already, that we are already seeing the face of god.

Other thing that made me slightly surprised was reading about kungfutse’s (religion) idea that human makes the idea big, not the idea the human. Thus human is the medium of everything. Thus no idea(ideology) can be more worthy than human. No ideology (or religion, since religion is an ideology) should be reason to do anything over human well being. So how the hell communism is still so big in china? They been fucking people over because of ideology for ages. Killing, oppressing whatnot. Of course communism banned all religions, also kungfutse. And of course any ideology will be fucked up it the hands of people or people getting the power. Communism is such a beautiful ideology as well as the base of christianity and quite some other religions. But people always seem to fuck things up. No matter how wise the teacher was. And thus Tao often seems pretty sensible: Shut up, don’t meddle, you can’t change the way the things are.


Dream I dreamt (Saturday 13th of June 2009)

Painting by Pekka Vesterinen

Saturday 13th of June 2009

Opening seremonies went well. Also our littel dance perfromance with Riikka and Kristiina.
Denise brought me some more mate as a bday present which was nice.
Haven’t tasted that one yet.

The work here is tricky, you never know who are the ones who really would like to see some dance and who are the ones who don’t even have the courage to come into same hall to see the other art.
Sensing sensing sensing.

Most of the day was grey and rainish… but then at six sun came out.

After dinner and little walk, I decided to go run, since my calves didn’t really hurt anymore.
Not so long trip but I ran all the time. Surprising still. Then jumped into the lake and had a shower.
I actually though I could try to do same thing in the morning.
To run a bit (same trip) do my morning series of inhale exhale.. modified yoga. jump into the lake, have a small shower and then, breakfast. Let’s see can I keep it.

I don’t stress so much now.

I can’t remember did I tell this already (and too alzy to check right now) but in the hall 7 is 72 small painting by Pekka Vesterinen (all of these pictures you’ve can see in these posts) and they’re great. Everyday you find a new favourite, something you haven’t noticed before. When I get rich I’ll get a bunch of them for my houses around the world.

Got a call. Lost phones all around. Maybe we’ll see earlier. But I don’t want to expect.
Expectations brings disappointments. We’ll see.

I’m rather sad I’ll miss Noora just by day. WE’ll see in freiburg. What a party it will be, so many loved ones.
Now just to mae my way there and enjoy the trip.

New fireplace. warmer cabin.
How is the sleep. Soon will see dreams around.

There was this dream I dreamt, not so long ago. Coming of from boat or train… thinking of going to underground.. to a mine(?) but saw Petri and Maija(?) and even with the backpack running to catch them up. them running too…. Catching them at lights, big street rails going as well as cars… they’re were not the people I though they were and kind of embarrassed by my mistake I keep on running, over the rails and then along the road, down hill. Running and something behind me, a bus. I switch lane and accelerate. bus leaves behind…. come up to the field and the bus becomes a tracktor, behind me. Running along the sides of the field, coming up to the house and small uphill bookshelf with a lot of thick books Trying to find the right ones. Pick it(them?) up and running again.. waking up.

Dreams dreamt, dreams to dream.

To let things… (Thursday 11th of June 2009)

painting by Pekka Vesterinen

Thursday 11th of June 2009

Things always go wrong. No I tell a lie.
This morning I was about to call the doctor… well At least trying to reach one who would actually listen to me. But my phone has a low battery and how how how how lucky we are, electricity break, just for today and just from 9 till 15 (angel on my table, god in my car). No battery, no call, no help. I’m bit annoyed also of myself because I really stress about this doctor/being sick thing. And I think the symptons just become stronger because I’m also stressing. I should just let it be.

Riikka came yesterday. It’s nice to have some one else to work with here too, not just the art pieces. And Kristiina is coming today to play some flute so we have a lot. Also have to think about tomorrows opening, what shall we do in about five minutes.

I don’t know. Seems that I don’t think much, I just stress, a bit.
BUt I don’t stress about money, which is nice. Maybe it’s just that I always need something to stress about. And the money is usually the easy option.

I have no idea about internet and thus I have no idea about SOS pages, how are they working or are they.
Have to update couple of things at least.
I think that when I get to helsinki (and online) on 21st of june I’ll have busy couple of days before I leave. I created a forum again, but it’s totally… well the lay out is what it is (then again also the site’s layout is what it is).
Also I need to start think about ECITE pages.

I should be better at these so someone would actually pay me some money for doing this stuff.

This is for the morning, let’s see how do I feel in the evening time.


Got in touch with doctor. I’m slightly happier now.

Also got to the internet. Still didn’t get all the stuff to work and I wonder why the web space provider sucks now, when they have been so good for almost two years. Maybe some one has bought the company, or then the workers have changed. So also didn’t actually manage to update wavetales as you might notice.

Got info that no one is coming to visit me here. I kinda knew it will go that way but still I found myself oddly disappointed. Don’t know why. Am I building up future that really doesn’t exist? Are my choices coming from this moment or from what I hope things to be? I don’t know, now I’m oddly disappointed.

Rehearsed tomorrows performance. IT will be fun. After all everything is about attitude. I have to get better at it. At this point I could thank Johanna and her husband getting me to see Mats Ek. Absurdness is the best.

Coming to conclusion that I should get Broken Social Scene’s “You forgot it in People” as original. Maybe.

Have been speaking a lot today. About art of course. How do I justify or intellectualize my art? What is my art? How the hell I should build up words for the experience that is wordless, and in that wordlessness is the whole meaning of it.
Fuck grant applications.
And at the same time, how much I enjoy pieces like “on ice” where there is so clear intellectual connotations and relations… I’m missing one word here… I can’t remember it.. like when you have arguments why you do things the way you do. What is that word?

I still don’t have trust in you. You shift and change, so should I wait to see will you wait for me? Do I want to wait? Do I build my future relying onto you?
I don’t know. How are you?

On every morning I’ve done my own warmup.. well what is my own. I lot of it comes from yoga, and many teachers I’ve had. But I’m building up a sequence and ritual for myself. To do things same way everyday, almost.
Even for left, uneven for right. Pull up push down. Always the same amount of repetition, to all sides.
Let’s see can I keep it up whe I leave this place.
Other thing I should do more is to take some time just to sit and stare.

To let things be. To let things fall. To let things pass. To let things flow. To let all be.
To let free. To let go. To let.

Smoke will lead me… (Tuesday 09.06.2009)

painting by Pekka Vesterinen

Such a grey day, mostly. Sun was there in the morning, and is there now, evening.
Not much visitors, bloody cold so not much dance either.

But in the morning there was one group and I was dancing. Absurd is fun, and I finally got the some points of the art works in hall five. Finally only because it’s so obvious I can’t understand how I didn’t got it before.

Still thinking about a lot of my decision of not coming to finland and the arrogance of doctors.

Got a call, Some ones are thinking of starting community and I’m in… funny people choosing people, but it’s true, you have to choose people. They don’t know me so well though, but then again neither do I.

After six when Purnu closed I went to run. I bought these “five fingers” shoes. They’re nice.. I actually thought of getting another pair before I leave. Running on asphalt is rather bore and not so nice to the legs and feet. So I went to this forest road that Mirja told me about. But it was rather short so I continued to the forest, thinking of finding my way back to Purnu. I didn’t really… And then after some time, liek 10-15 minutes going trought the forest I found another forest road and though that eventually it must lead somewhere I know. It did, but rather far. I had told that I’ll be away maybe about an hour. after hour and 10 minutes I found my way back to asphalt, but didn’t really know where I was. But I knew I have to go to right. Runned (and walked) along sometime but still didn’t look familiar so I checked from near by house that I am going to the right direction. I was. Of course eventually I found my way back but instead of hour I was away for two, and really late for dinner. But all and all it was amazing how I could run so much. Of course I didn’t really run all the time, but still. Now my calves are really aching, and my hamstrings also a bit. Let’s see will I walk tomorrow.

The cottage I’m living over here, has some troubles with the fireplace. For three days I tried to get the chimney to .. mmm suck (the smoke out) but it never really did.. So I gave up. Today the owner suddenly was there saying that they’ll have to change the fire place and would I like to go to live on another house. But I’m tired of moving my stuff all the time from place to place. I don’t really understand why the hell they didn’t check the bloody fireplace and chimney before people (me) came? they knew I was coming. But I’m not paying the rent, Purnu is. And I could still live in Luhti (where I’ writing this now) so maybe I shouldn’t complain too much.

Maybe just maybe I’ll get to internet tomorrow and I can update all of this.
Although the real reason I need to get to internet is SOS pages. The webotel provider changed the servers and asked to put all the stuff into new server and let them now when it was done… I wrote them and asked will the emails. change too…
No answer. I put all the stuff to new server (but not the e-mails and not the forum because i forgot it) and told them that I had uploaded everything and will the e-mails change or do I have to create them again.
Then they write that everything is done, new servers should be working in couple of hours.
I ask again about the e-mails and then they tell that e-mail have to be created again. Well thanks. too late now to get all the old info because all of that was destroed from old server. Then I ask about mailing lists. they say that now, in this new system it is supported. I couldn’t find it and asked where I can find it. no answer. I’m seriously disappointed to them, before this all the service has been fast and good, but now it seems like there would be some complete moron (when it comes to customer service) dealing with me, too bad.

Let’s see tomorrow.

Decisions all around (Monday 8th of June 2009)

painting by Pekka Vesterinen

Monday 8th of June 2009

I do not have internet access right now, but I though there’s some thoughts to write about so I’ll write and update when I can…

so now.

I’m upset with doctors and nurses because it seems that they don’t listen me, the one who actually knows something about his own medical history. Instead they do as they have procedure to do, even if the procedure don’t always work and even if I tell them that with me it didn’t work before.

So let’s see how everything will sort out itself.

I’m living in a cabin that has been full of smoke, and is pretty um… chilly, if not right down cold. Reason it having being full of smoke is that I tried to heat it up, but the chimney just doesn’t… suck… so it sucks… Poor chimney is too cold. and the fireplace is too small and the wood is not fry enough.
But before I was living in a chilly room too. so let’s see how this night will turn out.

Apparently I turned down a job… well not so simple. The piece I was in is having few reruns. but unfortunetally on august, just between freiburg and ibiza, and when I said well it could be possible the choreographer already said that he doesn’t have money to fligh me from germany and so this is done for me… then he asked could I do one performance on september… and I really try to stay away from finland… so eventually I said no, and then he said that he will hire another dancer. It’s good I recommended Janne, I hope he at least check’s him out. But later, on these two days, I’ve been thinking it a lot. What if…. but you can always think what if… It never ends. Anyway. What I should have done is to ask how much salary I could have got from all the three performances and see if I could get the flights with that money. After all I’m teaching CI with basically no plus at all, so why not to do couple of performances that I enjoyed to do… but all of this I should have figured out when he initially asked me to do those two…
Such a hurry.
Let’s see how everything will sort out itself.

So I’m in Purnu, dancing. it’s nice but demanding, in some sort of way. I’ve been taking it easy on these couple of first days. It might be that I’ll taki it easy for the whole time. But mainly dancing when there actually is someone to see it too, even if they eventualy don’t want to see it. And then sitting, doing push up’s and abs and that sort of thing every once in a while where there’s no visitors at all. LIke last year, again halls 5 and 7 are the easiest one for me to access. On hall 4 is a video piece and the sound is driving me nuts. I think I will not do anything there. Sad thing is that the sound comes out to every hall… urgh… Hall 3 is really cool, but right now on this weather is actually way too cool to do anything.. But I like the art there and if the weather, and thus the hall, will get warmer I’ll find myself there at some point for sure. Then 1,2 and 6 I don’t have much thoughs yet.
Let’s see how everything will sort out itself.

My moving has changed. I haven’t really moved as solo for a while, except warming up, but otherwise not after the piece, I think. And now, where before I felt it’s all flow and no rhythm or accents, now I feel it’s all rhythm and accent and no continuous flow. It’s good, it’s such a clear change in self. And I don’t know where does it come from. Now I just have to make it even stronger and stronger. At least I have some time here. I jsut hope the weather would be a bit warmer… like 18-22 degrees would be really good. not too hot, not too cold.

I’m waiting a phone call. It’s wierd, I haven’t done that in a while.

Let’s see how everything will sort out itself.

…and it doesn’t matter that…

I don’t know…
I just got Nadja‘s Clinging To The Edge Of The Sky and Aidan Baker‘s Thoughtspan on vinyl. On Thoughtspan cover is first of all beautiful picture + this sentence: Thought spans the distance of space & it doesn’t matter that you’re not here. Hit. Of course now when I check the cd version the same sentence is there, but you can’t really make it out as clearly…
ok I’m sold again…
VInyl version are always tricky in the sense that in this vinyl is only two of the three songs on cd. Side A, thought climate (which is superb) and side B, thoughtspan (which is not quite as superb)
it was the same thing in Nadja’s Corrasion which missed maybe 3 song on the cd, but then had the numbness which has been internet free single.

What else is happening? not much. I’m thinking about trying to get a small sponsor… or at least a discount for something which I know I’ll advertise if I just get it. Tomorrow I’ll be leaving and here is still a lot of things to do… like cleaning up and packing.
I have a lot of clothes but if thinking of performing I only seem to have trousers? where are all the shirt to be performing with. Uh..

I’m building up a two different set of lives. One (which is more familiar) is set in place, and have all the things. The other is moving… and I’m not too happy leaving all my vinyl listening aside + playing guitar and trying to record stuff. So I just have to know that in the end of this summer I’ll be rich so I can have my base with all of my things and I can still travel. To me travelling is more fun when having a base or home to return to. Trick is to know, and that’s what I should do.
Hippie hippie hippie. But Jesus said so, and he was a hippie.

Does it ever strike to yu that it seems that most of christian theology is based on paul’s writing (or alledged writings) You know, the guy who never saw Jesus when he was alive (as human at least) and who was actually hunting down christians until he had a vision on his road to damaskos. And most of the theology and ethics (of the church) seem to based on him rather than what Jesus was actually saying (of which we don’t know much of course, sine we only have writings what he is supposedly said). This came to my mind again yesterday when I was having a lunch with a fiend and we discussed about chruch and sexual minorities. Jesus never said anything about gays, but if I remember right he talked quite a lot about love, forgiveness and understanding. Not so much right and wong even.
Oh well, it seems that people have managed to twist up even buddhism so christianity is fair more easier deal.

Thought spans the distance of space & it doesn’t matter that you’re not here.

Nothing to be done

Man… I used these shoes for two weeks and they’re broken… The bottom is actually getting off.. If this is the quality of finnish work, welcome china… Huh.. And this is not the only pair I’ve had troubles with… maybe it’s right decision from new US owner to take the production into italy..

On tuesday I saw a nice pair of shoes… with toes separated, maybe I’ll go tomorrow see how they are.

I’m a bit sick but I think I’m getting better. I hope it’s nothing serious.

Got my cd’s digitized and almost all of them packed too. Jeij.

What else? Saw a great performance on tuesday. But I loveboth the dancer and the choreographer so it’s no wonder I liked it. Why it was good? It just was, intelligent, entertaining, clear but not simple.

Again expectations come into my way. I though that everything is going to be like previous years in this place I’m going to work soon, but now somethings has changed. It’s good, but it’s funny how I notice myself being dissapointed because it won’t be like I though it would.
And it seems it’s no use to take my guitar with me so I’m slightly dissapointed for that too (the place I’ll sleep doesn’t have electricity)

All the same all the same.

Soon I’ll be dancing all over, I hope. UPdates might get even rarer.

Take care now.