Shared though

A moment, a glimpse, a glance, a laugh, a touch.

What it is to be.
To share.
I miss my place, I don’t have a place and I seem to be unable to find it.
She tells me I’m alone because I want to be alone.
I don’t want to be alone.
But I like to be alone, at times.
What can we share.
As humans, as physical beings, as thoughs, as interests.

And I react strongly when I’m left alone again. when I’m told that we will meet at five and clock is over six. Could you care to inform if you’re late. My mother did this all the time, I think most of my childhood, but maybe just enough times that I remember my strong reactions, and I react strongly. So I think and go back, where is this anger and violence coming from, what I’m afraid of? Am I afraid of? I can’t remember this but my parents have told me, that when I was a baby, I was taken care of their neighbour, until other neighbour told my parents that the caretakers used to go to shop etc and leave me sleeping in the balcony, except of course when I woke, there was no one there, so I was crying a long time before anyone came. My parents took me to another place after that. When I was maybe four… but this is not the place to go through everything, because all and all my childhood has been ok. But nevertheless it’s interesting to go back and try to figure out, why I am acting the way I am acting.
And yet, I have a reason to be angry, if something is agreed, and that agreement doesn’t hold, why would I trust your words anymore?
I’ve been left so manytimes, that I assume everyone will leave me again, let down.
That’s why I test you, everybody, how much can you take, will you really be there, even when I’m not nice, even when I mean and spiteful. And I don’t like myself then. Why I’m so worried of being alone, left again when I more and more believe that there is no me to be alone.

Nevertheless, she says she wants to be with me, but i see from most of her actions that she chooses something else, if there is something else to choose. She seems to find her place everywhere and anywhere, and I’m all the time lost. I do not like that, and the places where I find my place, something to do, are gigs, temporary, moving, one week here, other there, in a middle a long space of emptiness that I fill with more music and albums and coffee and mate… and thank god, friends.

To live a life together, what does it mean. What do we need to share for that, what is enough? Dance, presence, though.

And I gave you a book that you don’t understand. And I forgot to tell that I don’t understand either. Evil of me, I see now. I’m sorry.
It’s not dumb not to undestand the book, but it’s dumb to cook small kettle on too big fire.

How I can be so attached to person. How I think, or feel that there is love even though I can’t stand the way I’ve been treated, I can’t stand a lot of things, and times to times I long to be somewhere else. And I know that you long too.

After waiting for so long and being so angry, after saying this was enough, and this is it, through. after talking. Why still in the jam I was all the time dancing so that I could see when you come, waiting. I hated myself for waiting you then, but at least I was dancing and waiting. Dancing about three hours in a row. Some beautiful some not, and not settling anything that isn’t clear physical contact, because: If you’re just fluttering, I rather do a solo until I find someone who is willing to share their weight and support.

And afterwards going to dinner, thinking what a horrible place. And why this is so sad. Will I also be so alone after 30 years? But my friends are far away now too…. So maybe next summer I should make a birthday party and try to get my friends there, or even some of them.

Sometimes I see myself setting myself apart. Who is seeing? Who is setting apart. I turn away from people’s eyes and I don’t know why. If I’m closing something, what am I closing, the anger, the violence. That’s what I hate, my eperience that when I am open and take the space, there is some one complaining about it. Pretty much always someone is complaining so I don’t care much. Not caring much is setting apart. But I do care, even when I wish that I don’t. It’s the helplesness that I feel that makes me wish that I wouldn’t care. Because I’m lazy and I’m a coward to do something.
But all of this is also my choice. I can choose differently.

Self, you, me, anybody is pretty much just bunch of patterns that we stick to and we stick to them because if we wouldn’t, you wouldn’t be you and I wouldn’t be I. But that’s the very thing that is making the life difficult from time to time. How do you brake a pattern? Dice, Anyone?

This could be a text of 16 years old teeager, but it isn’t, I’m double. And somehow I fear that this might be a text of someone 57, if they would have the courage to write it out.

For what will we settle, for what are we settling? And for why? What are the compromises that we make. How many time we let ourselves to be let down, and still keep in touch…

I love you.
Who you are?
and what is love?

Beautiful sentence, it’s totally clear, and at the same time, it’s totally unclear, but because answers to questions how all or any of the three words are defined is too big and too wide and out of reach, we settle. I love you.

So I gave you a book. You will understand it.
you, nothing to be added, nothing to take away
love, nothing to be added, nothing to take away
I, nothing to be added, nothing to take away.

It’s not here, you can’t reach it, this is only text.
And yet, there is texts that will reach… I know, I’ve read a book.

Top 2009

This is getting harder every time. Of course 2007 was easy because of Ulver…
But I’ll try anyway. I am well aware that this summer/autumn I’ve listened less music than probably ever. Just because of travelling. So lot of the stuff that has come out I just haven’t heard.

OK, let’s get on with it, not in any order, except Jozef is where it should be:

Jozef Van Wissem – Ex Patria
Just the sheer beauty of this takes my breath away.

Jozef Van Wissem – It Is All That Is Made
Just the sheer beauty of this takes my breath away.
All and all it’s very hard to say (and utterly useless) which one of these would be in anyway better… Brilliance is brilliance.

Nadja – Corrasion (vinyl)
Well, I don’t know ho many times I’ve listened Numb on a loud volume, and the blueness of it just makes it better.

Nadja – I Make From Your Eyes The Sun

Nadja/Black Boned Angel
Christ Send Light was super, this is something different, but still, super

Nadja – Belles Betes
Specially Green and Cold is superb.

Aidan Baker – Gathering Blue (vinyl)
Gathering blue from your eyes…, really really beautiful just because of this song the release is solid… Of course lot of other stuff on this has been released before.

Aidan Baker – Thoughtspan (vinyl)
“And it doesn’t matter that you’re not here”

Jesu – Infinity
Well, somehow returning into old(?) but I agree with some review that he might as well have divided this into the songs they are. Nevertheless this get’s my hopes up for future releases.

Kongh – Shadows of the Shapeless
Riding a bike through BSAS with this album coming through. Pretty damn good. Probably even better than their first one.

Cult Of Luna – Eternal Kingdom
Let’s ee, how this goes. I think that somewhere along thehigway is better, but then again for a long time I though that salvation is better than SAH, so what do I know.

Bass Communion – Litany
You just have to hear it.

William Basinski – 92982
What can I say, Mr. Basinski delivers. I mean, you know this is great. Now I’m just waiting for the new one for top 2010 list.

Aerial – Put it this way in headlines
Well, I just got this… But it’s aerial for sure. I think this album would be on the top list just because of the guitars of the end of “in our wake”

Is this all? it can’t be all? But nevertheless…. so it seems, oijoi.

Yet again

Back in BSAS again. Not exactly the way I hoped bt what the hell.

We went in cordoba after xmas, spend some time with lovely family in a house next to a river.
It was lovely, in a way, rivers are lovely, families as well.
Then we went to capilla del monte to change the year.
I notice that I have a habit of spending my xmas/new years with people I don’t really know so much and always ending up feel slightly wierd and/or lonely. But it’s my decision, now I just need to figure out why I choose it.

In Capilla there is this hill (1900+something high) called Uritorco, and apparently already long time ago people have seen lights and ships and what not coming from the mountain. UFO’s so called. It’s also said to be a place of energy or a high energy point in earth. THey say there’s a city of Erks (yeah, Erks) underneath the mountain and they effect your dreams and such…
It’s always interesting, since I try to keep my mind open for the experiences so that I can experience.
But… No I don’t remember much of my dreams, I didn’t see anything, I didn’t feel so much different. The hill and hills around are beautiful nevertheless. The town is quite charming as well although it also lives through tourism at this point I think (UFO’s UFO’s, more people to buy our stuff). I spend one lovely day walking to the base of Uritorco, where there is a small river making ponds every once ina while. And when you follow it long enough you get rid of most of the people because they don’t want to go so far. SO I found nice place with big stones and to pools and spend couple of hours swimming naked and basking in the sun… And of course burned my back slightly, once again. But the day was great.

So now back in BSAS. Vale is doing a workshop of rawfood, and I became sick. Today I feel much better however, and I think I don’t even have a fever anymore.

I’ve been reading a bit. Or thinking. I don’t know about this global warming thing. Weathers are changing that’s for sure, but is it warming or not? Also I don’t know about this saving a planet thing. Also I don’t know about this evolution thing. If I don’t separate myself from nature, if I don’t separate humans from nature all this creed, and the thing we are doing because it are actually evolution on to some direction. It looks like this evolutional development will come to it’s end pretty soon though, like it did with the dinosaurs. But the nature and probably even it’s diversity, will come back, although in another form. Does this mean that nothing should be done? No, somethings should be done but we should be quite aware of our motivation and reasoning behind to do it. At the same time, it seems that excatly the point of separating ourselves from the nature has caused this creed, or possibility to it. I think that has something to with judeo-christian faith and how it went over most of the europe. and then when europeans went over everything (like americas) it really went over everything. So we are able to be this dumb because we separated our selves from the nature… We know that and that’s why we’re worried, but in truth we never separated from, we cannot separate from the nature. so everything is, eventually, hunky dory.

In Capilla Vale and one other friend went to see a witch. There was somekind of idea that we are carrying our relatives and their patterns in our body. And she can help the person to acknowledge it and get rid of it. Surprisingly this makes perfect sense for me. And this is what Karma really is. To say that “i” would be born again according to how I live this life, it’s just a simplication of karma, trying to make it more easily understandable for people. Why, because most of us always think ourself first. Everything what wedo or think is karma, it affects our reality and it affects to other beings in it. My genes are carried through in my child (if I ever will have one) but my thoughs, values, ideas might be carried along within any person I meet, young or old. And the way I present those values, thoughs, ideas or do I present them through my actions and being is creating karma.
Of course, coming back to a witch, she ruined it all because there was also past lives involved… Oh, how much must we carry? Our past lives and then the relatives, and because our past lives are carrying the relatives. of them it’s a huge load… Haha, no wonder tv has such an appeal to us.

I’ve been trying to fic top 2009. Very difficult. Again it seems that most of the stuf I’ve been listening last year has released much more earlier… But let’s see maybe in a day or two.