The way is dim
Don’t quite know what to write and why to write it. To whom would be a good question as well.
I’m used to be quite able to verbalise my thinking and also my emotional states, but lately I feel that I cannot connect my emotional state, or emotions into verbal reality. All is unclear. And I try to rationalize it, the be rational, automaticly, but I now that it’s not the answer. So I’ll stay unclear, it will become clear, eventually, in a way or another. There’s a fair change that I don’t like the way, or the ending up, but it will become clear.
I’m grateful to those who are able to bear with my uncertainty and unclarity.
Often we are not clear anyway, even when we think we are. Maybe something is clear to ourselves, but we are not able to communicate it clearly to others. Maybe.
I was visited, I am happy for that. I enjoy so much to have some one to talk with.
Now I’m not clear, and I start to wonder when I was, really, It seems like a long time.
And yet, it’s always related to situations or aspects. Everything is not unclear. I know I want to dance. I know that it’s going forward. The CI dances I’ve had with last year… Vow.
Yesterday I went to night market, to see Barbi (who wasn’t there) and Vicky (Who was there) since I’m going tomorrow evening. And I met Chris too. And then I met Juan who told that he’s playing in half an hour, inside, in a band with two women. He invited me to see, and I went. Now, the leading woman was superb singer, and damn good guitar player as well, and songs were good as well, but what really took my attension was the bassist who was super cool. Women playing bass, but not just that, she was just so cool. I fell in love.
But love is not the feeling. just this…Ah…
I hope the band (and specially Juan) all the best.
So I am leaving tomorrow. I’m getting tired of being so poor that I’ll always travel with bad connection. tomorrow at 23 to gatwick, from there bus to heathrow (6hours between flights) and then to kiev… and then I try to figgure out my way from moscow to romania with trains. Luckily I have friends who will help. And then from cluj to bucharest to get to finland… and that will be in 5 weeks.. jeij.
So wait, do I want to get back home? Home as in finland? I think not, and yet, I do. All the albums and my guitar and the slight sense of rest except there’s not much of it, either.
Got my flight back to ibiza, that was nice. And I don’t have flights away yet because I don’t know where I am going… which reminds me to write a couple of emails.
The way is dim, but somehow I’ll find it.