On monday.. no, I tell a lie. On tuesday I was walking to my friend Maija.
Not feeling really so well, like I haven’t for a while now. And I come up from the metro to sörnäinen and there is always drunks, or people who (ab)use some kind of drugs. I’m on the escalator going up, one party above me, another party coming down and he greets her “Fuck you”. And I think, why am I so miserable, am I so miserable? Why should I be?

And I come out and cross the street and see this older man, and I just think that I want a release from this. To think to have these upsanddowns for so many years. I want a release from this. And it bring back a memory from late night in barcelona and b.i.d.e. when Noriko tells me that (to her) it looks like my body is searching for satori. And I think she translates it as release, but at the same time it’s not a exactly release. And she says my body but in japanese they don’t separate body and mind.

I tell this to Maija and she encourages me by saying that I’m going towards that.

I get a letter and…

So I’m still totally bound in the evaluations of the world, or what I think as that. I’m not succesful. And that what I am is not enough, because I can’t do anything useful to make a lot of money. I can’t even do anything to keep on living like I would like. And no, it’s not about money. That is not about money because if I can do what I like and feel drive to I don’t need so much money out of that (I’ve wrote this millions of times over here I think), but if I do something that I don’t like… then.. uh..
And yet, I think I lack the drive. Only thing, that I really feel I’m good at is CI and talking, in both of them I have limitations. And I don’t know how to find my place so that I could live from those two. I love music, but I’m not very good playing it.

Today I asked Maija, how do you know happiness? “When you feel that you’re in the right place”. And I remember what she told me a month ago, how she felt.
And I remember my old old poem, that I wrote when R left me the first time.
Yes, to feel that this is my place. This is where I (and now comes the important word:) belong.
I’m longing, not belonging.
With Valeria I always felt that she immediatly found her place. And I was always left out. And I couldn’t get in, to find my place around her, with her.

Enlightment. But enlightement doesn’t take suffering away, I think. There is this story about a young monk, and his fellow students hear that he has been enlightened. So they run to him and ask: Is it true, is it true that you’re enlightened? Yes. Well how do you feel? As miserable as ever.
What bothers me greatly in Diamond Way is their claim that only with their way of buddhism is possible to gain enlightment in one lifetime.. How the hell they define one lifetime then. I’ve been told that I am an old soul. If that would be true, it has taken a quite a while, and I don’t see it happening even now. But me, I don’t really believe in soul.

Two years ago I think I wrote about this, because it was so logical. I’m created by my perception, my perception is created by me. What would be the thing I call “I” or “me”. If it’s the same “I” I use in everyday life, for “me” to born again also all of the perception, surrounding world, should born again. So once again we’re back to the question: “Who or what am I?” That’s why I love dance, and specially CI. Because on those moments I am. I know. and if you ask me to verbalise. I can’t. And yet, Ilona says to me, just let yourself disappear. Like she would know.

So what is the translation of satori?
I don’t know, but internet knows everything. Online dictionary says: Comprehension, understading. And yet I’m pretty sure this was not what Noriko ment.

I want the release, from this. I think I have the key somewhere. I just don’t know where.
So I search, and let go. let go let go.
I once said to Anna-Kaisa that I’m not afraid of dying but afraid of living. She answered, it’s the same thing. She was right.