Slowly over the years
“Did you see her walking
did she come around here, sir…”
I don’t know why that song is in my head now.
Broke a tooth. One broken earlier.
Silly me, doesn’t take care of me.
Went to the dentist.
He suggested crowns and pins and needles and bill of 1300€
Such a lot of fun.
“So you’re suffering. I know it hurts a lot if it’s the first time.
Whenever I begin, make sure to keep my empathy inside.”
I’m no adult come to help me. Well well. So I need to make 1300? I have no job and more importantly I have no bloody idea what I can do. What can I do? teach CI, dance, mediocrily (I bet that is not a word).
Anybody giving me money for it? No, yes, but a little. Nevertheless I appreciate hugely all of you lovely people who have organized my workshops around, and actually maybe couple of good workshops would cover my teeth. Anybody wants one? a workshop I mean. I have one in ibiza starting tomorrow, two times a week for three weeks but somehow I think I won’t make money out of it. unfortunately. A bit, but not much. Last year was better me think.
So I was thinking this same. What can I do that people would give money for it. more or less. And Lo! Stefano from mallorca is here (he was also in SOS this year) and he gave me a working title: holistic personal trainer. So instead of just doing few abbs and dabbs and whatnot, I can help you to construck your life totally. If you feel that you need help for this, of course. Of course after having a few existential conversations with me you might feel even more loss.. or then not… but nevermind. I’ll help you reorganize, question your values and reveal you hidden conditionings. I know because I know most of mine. have I got rid of them? Hell no, but hey. maybe you can even if I don’t. And I can but only by letting I go so who can?
I’m tired of myself, so who is tired of whom?
I love myself so who loves who?
I love the conditions of my life?
Or is it something… mmm deeper. (deeper is a wrong word, since deep is often oh so very shallow)
I have a need to be good and healthy and survive and success.
health is the most clearest one, so why I don’t take better care of myself?
Good is so totally relative that we can spend ages just t figure out what the good means at the moment and since we use ages it’s gone already.
Success is the same. succes in what how where to whom.
Do I feel succesfull. No I don’t.
Where do I need to succeed?
I have no idea but I recognize that the need is there.
More money bigger car beautiful house and wife and children. And then what? what it all has to do with me?
Nothing. So who is me in the first place and what the hell is suucess.
But I know I would like to be on the stage a bit more. but I can’t get myself there. Stage. But no one will employ me unless they see me in the stage first. maybe not even then. Why do I want to be in the stage, to be watched? I do not know. But improvising feels good to me.
They asked once themselves: what do I teach when I teach contact improvisation.
But really there’s nothing.
Yet everything is.
Isn’t it wonderful.
How we can be so bored and unpreciative towards all of this.
I was told that sometimes people need to pay money in order to appreciate it. We were talking about guru’s and money.
And I say, but if you really want to change something, why would you charge for money.
Because a person who need to give money in order to appreciate the beauty of a flower doesn’t apprecite the beauty of the flower, but the prie tag that someone put onto it. So if I wish that people would apreaciate the beaty of the flower, how could I ask money for it, them getting/seeing/hearing the flower. If they don’t appreciate it as it is, they don’t get it anyway. Money won’t help….
But maybe, after all, Man named UG (I haven’t read much, just a bit) is right and everything boils down to money in this world. There’s nothing except the illusion. That tells me that buddhist (some of them) are right after all. WE live in illusion. I do. My teeth are broken and I worry about the money how much it’ll cost to fix. So I worry my health (again), would I worry if it wouldn’t cost so much? Good question.
Things boil down to money…
So then I am said… if they (guru’s) shouldn’t ask money should they be silent. I think it might be much much better. and I might think that if you truly wasn’t there would be no you to care about money. so also no taking it. Everything I can give is for free. But then, now, I need money. So I rather think, what do I have to give that would be seen as worth of money.
Could I do an exchage with the dentist. Few good bodyworks for tooth?
Money is a symbol of that exchange. So is it real after all.
You see, I’m perfect holistic personal trainer. I’m even more fluent when just speaking.
Last night I saw a dream where I was in my grandmothers summer cottage. There’s two houses and we were sitting kind of in the middle, having a dinner. I don’t remember exactly who. I look at the lake and the waves are rather big. We keep talking. waves get bigger. And then there’s a wave that comes over the treetops. washing us away… I run towards the old house.. and then towards my cousin (?) and then I wake up…
I though that my grandmother had dies. And Lo! Today there’s a message that my grandmother has died last night. But at least 4-6 hourse before I saw the dream. She had been demented a long time. So we expected this and I waited for this. Finally she’s in rest.
I saw two other dreams that were so clear… and do I remember them? no I don’t.
My beautiful leah..