Thrones and dominions

Darn darn darn.

Again I had so many things in my mind what to write about and then when I’m finally here, front of the machine and online connection and time I have empty.

No not empty but not what I wanted to write about.

Mundane things.
Ink is great. and books, and trying to write with brushes. I can’t very well. I would be into calligraphy if I would have the patience. I might not.

Coffee is great. I keep little hopes livin that I would be working around coffee. I notice that I don’t let myself to hope too much. Dissapointments. But why not to hope. Just letting it be easy even if it doesn’t happen.

Ah about thinking.
I’ve been thinking. Some day I wrote that if I would get one € everytime I hear “you think too much” I wouldn’t be massivly rich, but not as poor either.
All the time I read and hear about how this world is too mental, how people THINK too much. Fuck no, most of us (myself included) do not THINK too much, what we do is that we follow normal mental (and possibly verbal) patterns. Most of us are not thinking, and definetly in this world there is not much THINKING happening, come on, look at the news. You honestly believe that thinking caused all of this. If even half of the oil company leaders would have THINKED, or pro-nuclearpower whatnot’s, or politician. if god forbid they would really THINK this world wouldn’t be such a mess, it would be mess nevertheless, but just a slightly it different mess. There is not much THINKING around here, just greed and fear and ignorance. And all of you who go on about heart this and emotions and feelign and whatnot… this world is driven into this mess because of heart and emotions and feelings. Politicians and goverments have disguised the stuff into “thinking” and being “resonable”, but the disguise is quite shallow and easy to see through. Most of scientific studies tell the same. But there in lies a challenge. Next time when the elections hit the fan, try to THINK and really make concious decision by reason, NOT by your emotions. I’ll bet you’ll be failing hopelessly. Most of the stuff we call reason, or reasoning is meaningless nonsense with which we try to tell ourselves who we are…
I am nothing at all, and everything at all. Thus I am not. Yet who the hell keeps pushing these keys…
It’s and endless loop with no sense and no reason and there is, there truly is no way out except to blow the whole thing up, and you know what? I can’t do it. It’s sheer luck of accident if it comes up. And evetually it will come up, maybe in a form of accident. So why are we so afraid of death.

How long can I go without my pleasures. just with minimum of living.

I see this old babushka outside, hand out. She keeps on living, so why do I question mine? Because I think too much you see, just live… Just kill. All morals or ethics are useless… but bad is still bad.. we are always hanged up, by good and evil.

Ah I read a bit of interesting short story by mark twain where old man argues to young man that man is a machine. and it resonated a lot with stuff that UG was babbling about. It resonates also a lot of stuff what certain leftwingers (I might be wrong on this, I’m getting utterly confused with any political ethics) that everything is the fault of the system, and man is driven to crime. Well. Might be the case might not. Steve Harrins is writing in his book Free Will that we have no free will. I haven’t read that through yet either (although the Mark Twain I stopped because it wasn’t mine and I neede to return the book to it’s owner) but he is arguing something about criminal cases that can we really blame them, well, if not then we can also not to blame them because as far as they didn’t have free will to NOT to do the crimes we don’t have free will to NOT to condemn them. (I’m sure that Harris understands this and it’s not his point, like I said I haven’t finished the book, you, go read it). Anyway, book is full of interesting scientific studies how the decision of me writing this word is made already 4 seconds (or something) before I actually no, wait… write it. so even my trying to change it, it’s also been seen seconds before in my brainwaves. Amazing isn’t it? Truly amazing. Soon we all be controlled and no one ever never do crimes again, but who watches the watchmen?

Heard happy news from my friend, made me happy.

Been readin a lot of Song of Ice and Fire, now days mainly referred with the name of the first book Game of Thrones. It’s cathcy. I remeber that Marko went on about the book years ago, but no, I need HBO series to get into it. BTW at least the first season is very loyal to the book. The next ones I don’t know because I haven’t seen them. In ibiza I read a lot since I had not much else to do. I like ibiza though.
Now it was super to come to Novosibirsk and walk in the nature and swim in the lake (that they call sea) it’s reminds so much of Finnish summer that it’s somehow pleasant and beautiful. Although here it has been without the rains. Way too dry I hear. In Finland way too wet I hear.

Anyway, just today changed the ticket to stay here one more day. I don’t really THINK and pay attention enough you see. Times dates flight which way the earth revolves. Oh well. Maybe I’ll get a nice job in ibiza. After dancing so little for so long time again I should start to work on myself and movement… and even teach it. It will be fun, partly, mainly.

Ok.. I’m sure there was something else, original, interesting, politically meaningfull, but, I just can’t remember it now…


Long time no hear.

After all of the sadness, or what not.
People are fake, I know.

For a long time I though that I don’t sense, that it is me who is not seeing. And now I notice that it is me who is and who was always seeing.

Being aware, but awareness is nothing.
All things always boil down to nothing,
and everything.
So in many ways there’s not really much to talk or write about is there.

Been teaching CI, we wonder what is Ci, they wonder, we wonder together, I know what it is, but only to me, I can’t claim any right over the word, it is just a word, so why do you need to use it, because, fo those who know not, it might give a taste. Why we use genres in music, the genre doesn’t tell is it good or bad music, but if you haven’t heard it might give you an idea. Problem is that the idea might be wrong. Try to sell me a good coutry (music), don’t call it a country, and you will succeed uch better, because my idea of a country is not so good. Music might be good nevertheless, no matter what label is being put on to it.
So what kind of label is CI? what does it tell me? It doesn’t, eventually someone saying that they’re dancing CI doesn’t tell me anything at all. A dance might tell me something, but only about movement, it doesn’t tell me anything about the person, it doesn’t tell do I like him or not, do we share worldviews or not, it does not tell me anything, where as communism or liberalism might, but now our world and views are so splintered that even those labels don’t really tell anything, they need to be redefiened and redefined smaller and smaller pieces and if we go small enough pieces we might see what the actual person is thinking or believeng or at least what the person is wanting to think or believe. (funny thing isn’t it. We tell so many stories what we are because we want to be something or we are afraid to be something. I call you fake) It is so hard to open our eyes. I haven’t opened mine, not even a bit. And at times I even wonder is it possible, but then who gave me the idea of open eyes if it would not be possible. “everything possible to be believed is an image of truth” said William Blake. But those we’re his words, not the truth.

There’s so much that I can do that there is nothing I can do. There is so much I could do that there is nothing that I could do.

Time ago, I was ending performance saying that I can only be me. And after it, I was told but there is so many yous, so you can choose. Because there is no me there is me, because I can be anybody I can only be me. It’s plain and simple. The same person who keeps telling me how you can choose to be what ever is the one who can only go by her feelings, and if not she’s “forcing” something. She doesn’t have a choice. But to others she tells that they have a choice.
Aren’t teachers always like that. Maybe this is the reason I am a teacher and not truly succeeding in it. Or am I? what is succeeding?
Who defined it and how do I define it.
I like the sound of my own voice.

I somewhat tired of people who talk how mental or “in their” heads people are. Often they are in their heads to make the definition in the first place. Most people are not in their head, their not in their body they do not think too much they hardly think at all.
Look around the news, you feel that world is like this because people actually Think? now, think again and feel then, where is your feeling coming from. What did you buy today?

I have these thoughts or feelings of giving up everything, and then, what would I give up. I have nothing. Such a relief, it should be, but i rarely feel it.
There are moments I do.

Mirva is teaching in the next room, and I’m writing. Why is it that I am here and not there. I do not know.

Sam Harris is writing that there is no free will. He might be right but our not having it will not change much, we will still condemn the murderers because we don’t have a choice you see. So at this point (I haven’t read the whole book yet) I am not sure what is the point of writing the book, but then, he didn’t really have a choice did he. Ah, all of this is phantastically funny. Because it always comes back to the question what is it that is. What is me, what makes that person that person and if I could be someone else or in someone else shoes(skin, brain, childhood) how would I know that it is me and not the other. Is there some part of “true me” that would be transmittable. I think we should read more William Gibson and see when we actually can transfer a person into the network, without a body. A body, the body.

How everyminor cut changes the who I am. If I am not this body and not these thoughts, not these chemical reactions, what is there? There must be something because I am so afraid to die, but if that something continues onwards and that is the “me” why would I be afraid to die? People who believe in reincarnation (or incarnation) should not be afraid of death. People who believe in heaven should not be afraid of death (unless they believe in hell as well and believe to go there). And if I believe nothing why I should be afraid to die. So why most of us is afraid to die? What is the part that is afraid, if it’s not me? it cannot be life, because life never ends (depends of definiton of life of course, we can use word energy instead of life). If life is conscious energy, then what is conciousness wthout energy. And if so, how do you justify killing plants and animals but not humans? our morals are always on very weak base when going into talking.
Do you know what is right and what is wrong? do you really know it, feel it. Like I wrote long time ago, knowledge is never the verbal representatio of it, it is it, that is represented. but it can never be truly touched. just like life.
So I give up.
and after I notice that I haven’t.
And I give up.
When comes the time that there is no one to give up.
If already I know that there is nothing to give up.

The fact that there is buddhism is the clearest evidence that gautama failed, but then, he would have need to have an aim. or a goal. Did Jesus really care what would happen after? OR gautama for that matter. Even more valid question if mister gautamas claims were true, then he should have known exactly what are the consequences of his merry little teachings. And yes, same goes for Jesus and god almighty.

I know.
We knew.
nothing at all.
Everything, shining,
even the night.