And away


On the last meeting before the semester break starts, director of the department wonders how to make me really work. I wonder the same.

It all doesn’t make much sense.

I get a call of another disappointment, and I don’t know wether to be ok, or really angry.

I see people on SOS and enjoy immensely.
Some people can be straight and honest and I appreciate that.
I dance with all of my friends and realize that there’s no one like them, that there’s no one like anyone.
It’s such a gift, to move together, enjoy so much that it’s not even enjoying, because in order to enjoy there should be someone to enjoy, and there is just the dance. Immersed into it.

I see shortly my mother and my father. Realising that I’m old, and they’re old. And it might be that I don’t see them for another year unless I choose to visit them. But time seems to be going somewhere eventhough there’s nothing else. And I feel disengaged, too far, and I don’t know how to engage, to tell them again that I love them, and that sometimes I feel I’ve let them down since it seems I still can’t survive without their financial support.

I spend a day with my frined marko, digitazing new and old vinyls. And I feel like a bad friend, occasionally, since it’s so hard to concentrate and be present.

And I’m flying to frankfurt and I’m flying to madrid.
And I sent a message to the message board faintly hoping that someone would answer me, or not just someone but certain someone. And I’m afraid I said too much already because I don’t really know what is there.

And I have this wish of finding.. but then I decide that it’s me who is found. and that someone will find me if it didn’t happen already.

And I don’t find my flight on the webpage, so I call to the airport, since they had strike yesterday and since my flatmate couldn’t get her plane this morning. But they assure me that everything is ok, although is should leave soon.

And I can’t get my phone to download map of madrid to Gmaps… maybe it’s google and not my phone.
but approximately I know where to go..

And I chose not to be in madrid and not to be in bilbao so much, but instead to fly to ibiza to eat the chocklad hearts of my adopted sister… who is a sister of so many. And to see Sebastian and Matias who I like a lot.

And I’m going tomorrow to Sevilla to work with 2 women I haven’t met in two years, and I want to make a piece with them, for them. And it’s exiting and scary at the same time because I just don’t know what is going to come out.. I’m afraid that I will fail, somehow, eventhough I’m not sure what failing is within this context. I was hoping for a trio, but I get a duet, i think.

And I’ll perform “everything’s the same” once again, hopefully in Sevilla and in Malaga. And again I’m afraid that no one like’s it. But at the same time, it doesn’t need to be liked, hopefully it will move someone.

And I’m aware of all of the work I should do for the studies, but I haven’t done that yet… I hope, that in Sevilla I have time to read and write as well… eventhough I’ll not have the big screen for it.

And I notice that I’m an addict since the last thing I pack is the computer and the first thing I unpack is computer.