About improvisation

I was asked to write so I write.
Can I improvise my writing?
and what does that mean, to not to think? to not to re-adjust? To leave it raw? How it came into being?

As always, words are tricky and so is this one.
One of the nicest examples of imrovisation (in one sense) is MacGyver, if you’re about the same age as me, you might remember the TV series about this guy who can do almost anything out of merely nothing. So in otherwords, to improvise. But always there’s a goal, there is a need. We need a key to get out of the building, well I have pliers and paperclip and thus I can make a key. You improvise because you don’t have the thing(s) or tools that would be optimal for the job needed to be done, but you have something and you can turn that something to do the thing that is needed.

When we talk about movement improvisation or musical improvisation, we are not quite in the same place. The question is the goal? Do you have a goal or not? Do you have an aim. When the improvisation is placed on a stage, and it becomes an performance the goal appears. Often it’s not super articulated, but as a performer, what do you hope for? That the audience would enjoy themselves? That they would enjoy your presence? That you would be admired? That you would enjoy yourself? That you would feel good? That audience would be moved emotionally? That audience would readjust their thinking or view of the world?
All of these are goals, and it would be good to notice which of them (there can be more) are in action within myself when I think about improvised performance, or am actually performing.

Unfortenutaly I do feel that most of these goals are not very helpful.

Ok let’s look at something, not so different. A play. More we grow we are playing by the rules. The games and rules are more and more complicated, and usually set. We either play by the rules or try to avoid them. But the rules are there. When I look children playing (let’s say from 3-6 years) they’re are in the state of constant improvisation (ok ok not always). The play is all the time improvised and thus negotiated between the players. The relations are or at least can be in move, they are not necessarily set, they are dynamic in the sense that everything can be changed in next minute. If someone just comes up with the better idea and the others in the play, or most of the others, agree. And if you ask about the goal? There is no goal. None of the players are keeping score or are thinking about where or what they should get. The importance is the play itself. And eventhough there is no clear results, something is happening, something is being achieved, something is done, something is being found (eventhough it could be lost again in a next month, next day, next minute). Instead of setting fixed positions, fixed foundings, everything stays dynamic, almost chaotic, in movement. Of course by the time, certain patterns start to fix: Who is the leader, who is friends with whom. In a cynical way you could perceive the play as a finding out of the hierarchy of the pack. But eventhough I am cynical, I can’t quite reduce the action of a play into hierarchies. The hierarchies are there, yes, but they are never fixed and in most of the cases they are not important, not relevant. The mistake that adults often make is to think of the play as not important. Often because there is no goal, because there is no aim. But because of that lack of aim, the play is the most serious research about the world that can be done.

When I think of movement improvisation, I think a lot of play. Most of the things are open, the scale can shift, everything is known and unkown at the same time, and there’s a lot to be found. If I fix an aim, something is already lost. If I fix a field, a scale, a viewpoint, something is lost, but at the same time it can help me focus and thus find things I wouldn’t find without. Important thing is though, that I try to loose all of the goals. I’m not doing the improvisation as a tool, in order to achieve something. I’m doing it because it’s there to be done. It is necessary, needed. It does have a reason. Way too often, in life, we do not trust that reason, that necessity enough. We have been educated to find the right answer, to have a goal, to have an aim, to be ambitious. To have a (external) meaning. And we don’t trust that the “play”, the improvisation does have A meaning. And I’m not talking about even emotional meanings, just A meaning.

To lay on the floor without intentions
To open the curtain as if not knowing
To hear the sounds of the streets below, a bird
To do things that are stupid
To not the be beautiful
To be someone else for a while
To be yourself and not quite knowing
To know, everything for once
To forget the things that were to become
To remember
To do everything just like you always do, almost

It’s not that we wouldn’t be present. We are always present, it’s just that we tend to forget that.
I tend to forget.
To improvise is to question my perception and my reality. To find something I always knew was there (I just forgot).
When I perform the improvisation, my ability to let go of goals, should still be there. Not to be worried am I interesting enough, is the audience enjoying or pleased, but just to open my questioning, for to audience. To make the process (whatever it might be) visible. To invite to take part (and this doesn’t mean that audience should improvise or move or leave their seats). To take a risk of failing, of not finding anything interesting (and that might be the most interesting thing ever).

But do not think that I would encourage to just to go and “perform”. Often I encounter thinking that improvised performance is just “done without thinking”, “just something”. In order to really question, to be curious and open that process for the audience, it needs practice. It really needs work, not only that you improvise, on your own or together, but you work on opening that channel, of being perceived while you improvise.
Here we encounter another “conflict” of words and concepts. It can’t be “work” because it has no goal/aim. It can’t be “work” because you don’t “know” what your doing? It can’t be “work” because you “just” improvise. Most of the work that is done on this earth is completely useless, it’s done only to run this unsustainable economical system. It has no more real value, or goals. Actually it has even less value, but, as always values are relative.

So I say, Improvisation is a work with a meaning no other than the work/improvisation itself. This does not make the work isolated from surroundings, but it makes it hard to place a set value to it.

Going in circles, no?

Ok, I’ll come back to this.. later on.

On perfroming (badly)


Indecisive decision making

Performance. everything is always performance, everything.
Me eating my bread alone in my room is performing. You see how you perform yourself in order to be yourself?
I perform being good, I perform being bad. So what am I, a continuous performance not ending untill the death takes me or I return?
I performed well, heartrate monitors, timelaps, things to be carried. To play a role when there’s no roles…. wait.. how can there….
So who is there performing? There’s nothing there except the performance and that’s why it’s so difficult to stop because nothing is a scary thing, but it’s scary only for the performance, it is not scary to nothing itself since it is not it. Thus performance keeps on going in order to go and when it stops it is not there and nothing else is there either. So it doesn’t really matter is the performance good or bad, well… it’s an secondary idea because what is important is that it keeps going. Secondary is it a good performance or bad performance. In order to be a good performances there needs to be bad performances. But this performance wants, secondary be a good performance, primaly it wants to keep on going because somehow performance has a sense of living eventhough it is not life itself. Life will go on with out the performance, but performance has difficulties to believe or understand that. Let’s go to the secondary. A good versus bad performance. This performance is this performance and thus this performance makes separate performance in the world, performance ”around” in and in the performances in it. The Grand performance is always just a performance, but the performances can be qualified within it and what is making the qualification, a performance that is comparing other performances to another not seeing that all and all it is just a one big performance. When will this big performance realise itself? or when will the performance truly end all together? If performance is NOT life, can we have life without performance where life is just life. No things all things and life isn’t even life, life is death and death is life and this is it and that’s it.

Free Written on ”body mind precence” workshop as a task to write about performance
Bold parts chosen later on scanning through text and picking “main points”

This text above is also to be found somewhere else.
I felt I catched something but I don’t really get it.
You know, because there is no one to get it.
It’s all crazy around here…

If it would be, it would be this

I’m trying to keep several thigns up at the same time, according to writing and to where I am writing.
Not very easy that, but at the same time the others are clearly for me so eventhough everything is open in this WWW, I don’t think anyone will ever find those things because I can’t think what would be the interest. Unless I start to write more interesting things about my studies.

Well there’s interesting things about studies, but I’m not articulating those thing very well.
I’m in this mm.. conflict(?) within the interests. Right now I’m reading book by Andre Lepecki, “Exhausting dance” and it’s really hugely interesting, and at the same time I feel that I could never create dance through such a analyctical though points of views eventhough I like to think myself as analytical. Nevertheless when faces with real analytical thinking I have a tendency to lift my hands up and give up.
The world is such a complex network of… yes what… networks. and at the same time world is so simple.
Some of the feeling I get when reading Lepecki, or philosophy, or UG Krishnamurti is that we would have this parasite within us, or within language… That actually the really living thing is something else than the biological beings, but actually the being is really living in the network of language or symbols that the biological beings create, and somehow that network of symbols or that being(s) living there are controlling the biological being, and we are traped within, and only through luck we can break free of it..
And it’s not even social control, it’s far beyond of normativeness of social/unsocial behaviours, it’s hidden inside of the very.. not even language but thinking… not even thinking but being… Somehow

On summer in Berlin I saw a dream.
For a long time I have though, and in some I still think that language is ideas, ideas made visible and without language it would not be. Of course different people think by different means, and language is one way of articulating the idea.
However in this dream I was having dicussion with Sveta who at point had told me that it’s so difficult for her since first she has to make a though and then she has to translate that into english, like there’s double process, first making the idea/though into language and then translating that into another language.
And I was explaining back to her that there’s a double work, that if I use a lot of english like I do now, I don’t need to translate from language to another but i can “dress” the though with the language needed. Unfortenutaly at the moment I have only 2 ways of (a)dressing, Finnish and English.
That living being, a parasite, or truth or what ever is in that space before the language, before the social concepts, bending the biological into it’s use.. until we break free.

Eventually the freedom comes, but it doesn’t come to me, it comes, and it’s only it. It’s nothing else.
So language or thinking is eventually locked up. Now most of the hippie friends will be happy because this is their mantra, but unfortenutaly they’re fucked as well. Because when advocating “feeling”, “heart” “emotion” they are as locked up. Because actually is not language that is locked up, it’s all categories, which tend to come from language, but to be aware without language of somekind doesn’t seem to be possible at all.

I wrote about communication before, and how the only reason to communicate is that there is categories or concept of, I You We Us etc… Leave those and there’s no one and nothing to communicate about. No inside, no outside…
Ah something about language and communication: watch.

So, coming back to myself.. Why am I doing what am I doing?
What am I doing?
Why it would be important to do?
Is there a way to change things when things are always changing?
If not, then why not, and how not not?

More importantly, can dance, movement or non-movement, tell something about where how what when?
If there is me, what is the role of me?
If there is a role.

Yesterday was solictice. Winter started over here, but for me we are heading towards spring. Midwinter is over.

Stop, start.

Heat waves and rain drops

Listening Alan Watts..
How do you write at the same time.
But I do.

Long since…
to whom I write to?


After spending five months in finland, well, very small trip just before end of it to Cöpenhagen…
After spending almost five months in finland, it was time to do our first performance evening as TTTT.
It went nicely. I hope ther future performance went as well.
Me, then again left on the next moning towards Ibiza, where we had MTP meeting and then the Wetting of two dear friends. Has any party ever been as good as the wetting? I don’t know, it was good. was dance quite a few hours, with the help of inspiration from Asaf, who seemed to be dancing even more.

After wetting hanged around and tried to help a bit with the house, but I feel that I could have done more.
I need clear schedules I’m afraid.

Flew to Marseilles, to meet Mathilde and Julien. Went to Apt and ended up to sitespecific performance, ate great sausages had fun, and on the next day continued towards the mountains to do the global underscore. You know what, dancing is great.

after returned to Marseilles, did a version of “everything’s the same” but didn’t take on video.

on last day, went to have a little walk along the calong with Julien and then hopped into the train to paris where Natalie was picking me up with Velip. Bicycling is great.

La ferme jam was great, since dancing is great and there was great people dancing.
So of them were well met, some of them even better.

Flew to Poland where enjoyed a lovely hosting of Wileka and finally found the yellow black onitsuka tiger’s mexico ’66 on right size and bought them.

I wasn’t expecting much of the Warsaw Flow, but hell, it was one of the best festivals I’ve been to. Big part of it was the smallness (I think 50-60 people) and at the same time the other festivals that were happenign around and were incorporated loosely in. So almost every niht after jam there was a bar in next by lawn and hammocks and a stage, so I went with someone(s) to have beer or two… some night there was party and music… and then on my way back to hostel there was another party… Dancing dancing.

After all of the enjoyment, spacially after my two little workshop days when we were in the bar drinking beer and making bodyworks… I went to berlin.
Berlin is hippy or maybe it’s the people I meet there… well, Lemmer is not very hippy at all.

I had the reason to return to Paris, so I did, and am here now. It’s been really really hot. And today is the first one that it’s raining. at times… rain and heat.

More personal..
Human being is a strange thing.
When I though I didn’t get into the Frankfurt University of Music and Performing Arts to study dance pedagogy, I was rather sad, depressed…. Then when I heard that actually I’m in, I have this.. Uuhh, what, I need to be in frankfurt for 2 years… aarrghh.. But actually it’s quite pleasant.. to ahve a structure around once again… Of course there’s a lot of questions, mainly about time and money but all and all I’m rather happy about it…

That’s about it… again… later.. maybe about control, freedom…

Lot of spare time


Title loaned from Elbows Any Day Now

Mind the Point was great.
Sucha learning process. Quite a few thoughts, running through the same courses as before. Trying to refine..
So in many ways as a happening for myself MTP was not perfect and because of that it was perfect. Again I know so much more how and what I would like things to go. Having meaningfull and meaningless discussions. Understanding how depth and shallow are just the same thing, and they are sometimes not distinquishable.

Movementwise I feel I’m in strange place,have been already from may onwards I think. Something keeps shifting all the time. I was talking with Ilona, we have dance about once a month or so, and every dance seems to be somehow different. Of course always dance’s are different, but that my patterns and qualities keep changing all the time. THe annoying thing is that I don’t feel I’m in control of this, and as a dancer I should be. Well, this is mainly only for CI, when I’m doing solo, I can decide much more it feels.

Back to MTP, well I’m happy it happened and I really feel we should continue as a group with the same topic next time, and maybe it happens already in december in israel.

So for a while been busy.

Today I’ll fly to Sardegna to have 2 days off (and hopefully warm, Paris is freezing) and then workshop. Teaching is great. I notice that more and more I would like to combine the “philosophy” in it. Because there’s so much in CI that you can see straight in life. Also is nice to see new place and new and familiar people. Maybe I find the cappucino machine over there. although I have no space in my pack.

I heard Marko might get me a working bike straight away when I get back. Now, that is good news, I hope it happens. Then again I hope that I’ll not stay in helsinki for too long straight away.

Ok I’m drifting off… and soon through Paris to the plane.

In a way

Otra Vez yo tengo no idea que habla…
Oh my spanish..

So no idea.
CIP is over, Flow is beginning.
Relationships are funny and somewhat hard if either one is not comitted to it.
What is to commit.
Relating got some behavious from totally unrelated person which is really annoying.
In a long time I haven’t felt that there would have been someone who intentionally wants to harm my well being, but now yes… Oh well…
Why to care?

So roasting coffee didn’t work.
Now I return to finland it seems.
Then there is mind the point in Paris, which I hope and feel will be really good.
And after that I was invited to Italy, but money is uncertain which makes me uncertain.
But I have feeling to go to italy.
Then there is few weeks before Israel and then it’s bloody xmas… so… stable…
But after, I’ll stay foot. one place or at elast a way to pay the base.
playing more guitar and trying to make music… that’s my plan. but then the work and money, oh well.

And relationship. no, I don’t want to commnet that now.

Dancing has been great, very different.
Intensive of Daniel Lepkoff was quite nice, had some ideas by misundestanding his words. More and more thinking performing, making piece by piece but how I make the living?

By writing by talking by teaching?

loops of feedback feedback looping…

reading books, will tell later… now I think it’s time for us to go… been sitting for too long. and others of the aprty are getting anxious.

Take care, offer me a job…
I can do everything, and somethings with quality, but it seems I’m not able to create my own work…
I need collaborations.

Another rainy day


In florianopolis it’s rains a lot.
When there’s sun, it’s hot an burning.
Still I like it, somehow.

Since last time I’ve done 2 workshops over here and performed. Went to Porto ALegre, done workshop over there and performance.

Sveta came here as well. Telling first that she doesn’t know does she want to be with me. Then she knew. We have a bit of the problem talking since our words are not working on the same plane. And something has changed for her and she has met people who can understand her heart without words. I can’t. Yesterday we were talking about commitment again and how I feel that we understand it differently. From the way she talks I feel that for her commitment can be broken at any time. For me it cannot. It can be broken, of course, I have done it, but if it’s commintment it can’t be broken alone. To commit is to want. So if I commit to someone, I’ll work with the other person in order to make it work. And it might be that it doesn’t work even after trying. To me commitment is a lot of the want, so when I meet other desires I still want to choose the one I’m committed to, and that is the thing that makes me alive. It seems to me that for her that makes her a bit dead, because she actually desires something else. So I asked her if she wants and open relationship and she answered that maybe she dosn’t need any relationship.

It’s so hard when I’m relating to words so much. I know that the words lie as well and that there is other levels and plane’s of communication. But.. Somehow tired again. Of course I’m questioning myself of what I want. is it really that I want a committed relationship that would last for life. There is an ideal for that in me, but is it what I really want? I still feel that the answer is yes, it just seems that it will not be so easy to find a person who would feel the same.

I talked with Alexandra few days ago. It’s nice, I like her a lot. She was telling how she feels on somethings and somehow it was nice to hear. It kinda showed me why I didn’t go to germany over a year ago. Because it seems that all of the things I was afrai of would have happened. Of course, you never know what would have happened but persons are mainly patterns so if the pattern is occurring now it’s probable that it would have occurred anyway.

And the things are still there. Status, my place in world and heirarchy. I want to get rid of it. But it’s really difficult. I don’t really value myself because I don’t know how and what to value. I have no status, no money, no home, no job, no long itme relationship, no… I’m not open, not nice, I’m heavy, and dark I’m pessimistic, I think too much, I’m too closed, I don’t get things done, I do’t have the initiative. These are the things I hear. These are also the things that I see. And if I think about status.. I don’t really think I would be happier if I would have the “normal” job and a flat and a… How knows. But I feel there’s a pressure that I should have or done these things. And for sure, if it was by the work I want to do, I would be happier. But this far Only option that I have seen to achieve that have been through the work that I don’t really want to do. So what do I want to do then?

I would like to teach. I’m not sure often what is it that I would like to teach since there is so much to learn for myself. And at the same time I have no clear interest to study. Wierd. And teaching… well. I feel that I am good in that. but often I feel that people either do not agree or they don’t value the things I’m teaching or my persona comes in between. And this far I don’t know how to keep my persona out. But like now. I was in Porto Alegre doing a workshop. I taught pretty much the basic things for me, listening to the earth through the partner and yourself, having that connection clear for all the time. Then adding different aspects or viewpoints of it, but basically everything connected to that. Then on the second day Fernanda who was organizing the workshop ask if I could teach something more advanced. And I was lost, what is more advanced? So I asked what people want to learn. And eventually I gathered that It was pretty much what I was going to teach anyway, giving your whole mass. But people want to elarn what they see, they want to learn that cool looking movement. And within CI I don’t want to teach that unless there really would be a group that has the base of the listenign to the eart through so embodied that actually tey don’t need a teacher anymore, then it would be more like a lab. So what is more advanced? I don’t know. Eventually teahing is just pointing to something. Sign post to the true knowledge that can never be verbal.

It interesting, actually most of the things that we learn is not the knowledge itself but ways to communicate about the knowledge. Like anatomy, We might know name of everybone and muscle but we need them only when we need to communicate something about them, and true, sometimes to make things clear or embody the knowledge we need to communcate about those things with ourselves. (Who is communicating with whom, how many being there is within me, which one is me)

Ok, somehow I read UG Krishnamurti above there. So if you’re interested read. He is saying that there is no new experience, because in order us to know something as an experience we need to have some earlier information where to refer to. Ok this is simplified he’s saying a lot of other stuff too, many thigns which I’m not sure do I agree on. But in a way it just brings out the relativeness of everything. and yet, sensation is ot relative, the communication of the sensation is relative, because in order to communicate the sensation it’s needs to define it and there is no other ways to define than comparisons, but the sensation itself, before it’s communicated is not relative at all? or is it? I think it’s not. But if you don’t communicate the sensation to yourself, is it still there? Of course it is. Again, nature of reality is highly interesting.

Co-incidences happening. Nothing special, just little things. I often try to find meaning in them, but I can’t see it. So I try to let go, and just notice. Co-incidence.

In BSAS I was visiting a Video dance festival and saw documentary from Anna Halprin, “Breath made Visible”. Very good, what was interesting to me in relation to CI was that she was doing some stuff with community project on sixties, that by the look of it was totally CI. But she wasn’t interested about the physics, but emotions.
Later I had a talk with Asaf and Paula and Belen and I mentioned this. Asaf told that he remember Steve saying in some conversation that to him CI was kind of a counter culture in counter culture. Because all of the emotins, community, etc were on top at the sicties and seventies, he wanted to concentrate on the physics. It’s funny, because now people are again so much talkign how CI is so “special” because it’s intimicy, touch, emotions etc. And actually, that’s the stuff people were doing long time before, and that specially is NOT the stuff the artform that became CI wanted to concentrate on. There’s nothing bad in it. just interesting for me who has always approaached CI more from the physical point of view. Rather impersonal.

I wonder is there somebody who would like to work with me, on art level.
I wonder is there somebody who would like to work with me, on personal level.
I wonder is there anyone who really would share the view of commitment and would want to work with that.

Good day and good luck to you all.

Clean Cut

I feel I’m returning to old.
I think I was more open to the people in ibiza.
In meganom I closed down, kept myself to myself, partly because of the pain.
Partly because of something else, but not because of the people.

And in here? I’m still in slight pain, not much.
But I can’t dance so much and I basically refuse to dance with people I don’t know just because I don’t want more pain. And dancing is my main way to share and be open.

I think I’m bit off, outside, of the festival, but it seems to e going well. And people are super just like I said, so it’s not only the teachers group.

Today was underscore, in two spaces and outside between. Rather nice experience.
I even danced a bit.

But I’m jumping ahead.. or to the present so let’s tell tales from history.

After teachers meeting we had a performance, which was ok. After performance we go to the roof with Natasha and Sveta and Natash see my sores. She thinks it is good to cut the leg open so next day Sveta spends going to the otherside of moscow to get scalpel. On the evening we are here at the festival site (buddhist center) and Natasha cut my leg, It hurts surprisingly lot. Some anesthesia on the skin helps a bit. After it’s done something releases, maybe tension, maybe something else. They bandage me up. I lay on bed for a while. Then I go to the jam and dance with my doctor about twenty minutes. Shower and change of badages.

So all and all it’s going nicely. I’m in same doze as I was in Meganom. I sleepwakedream most of the time, but now I move more, and now I have internet and skype calls.

It’s late so I finish.

Festival is soon over, time passes, Like we do.

time and time again

Picture is from moscow actually.
Me still ibiza, having a clear though what to write about over here but not having time to do it when online. Right now I’m living on a beautiful mountain for couple of days (well more like a midway of a big hill, beautiful nevertheless) without electricity.
I don’t know exactly where I’ll go next.

Not much work but I hope people come running to my CI course “Light Falls” Title, taken from here.

After pondering long long time I eventualy went to flow, because all the people from the island who I know were there anywya. And the food was good. I didn’t really attend to workshop having more workshops of my own. MEt som really really lovely people. Well I’m sure that all of the people have their lovely aspects but I just can’t meet all of them. Had my greatest time over there, dancing, I enjoy so much contact Improvisation. It seems amazing, I feel that when I walk nowdays on the path up to the hill, my cordination is not so good, or my sense of balance, I feel unagile. But when I get to dance, I feel I’m doing stuff more preciseness I’ve ever done and dances are amazing… Really great great moment. It was nice to have Finnish crew here, and to still have them here. Language is important evetually.

Not going so deep with this post but what can I do.

Sebastian is orderin a tiipii and I would like to have one too. It would be great in my mothers summer cottage.

I need to do more.
That’s all.

Waiting for a message from someone, bit too eagerly, I think.

Goodnight and good luck to you all.

Who or what am I?


Exceptionally photo by Andrey Samarcev!

Siberia is over.
Beautiful views alongside of the river.
Beautiful days under hot sun and in cold water.
Rainy days swamping through the mud.
Riding horses up to a mountain, climbing up to a mountain.
When I learn to keep my head?
I joy most when I do what I want after all, with the time frame that I want.
Although it’s good to adjust sometimes, not always.

Read Giorgio Agambes becoming community again.
Thought of sunjata and existence, and with the brief flash of sun in the river…
This realisation of what I am, and that I still can exprience all this, Overwhelming sense of grace and mercy that brought tears in my eyes. At the same time thinking that this was what Jesus was talking about, not the kingdom of heaven to be, but kingdom of now being.

So what am I?
A vessel.

I think I’m on the same track with Ilona on this, when talking about dancing… I’ve wrote about this already(?). That sometimes when I’m dancing CI it’s not me dancing, dance is me, everything happening is me without the boundaries of experience and the one who experiences. Everything’s the same.

On a river 3 performances of “everything’s the same” Two “filmed” by Lena on my phone and one should have been by Oksana, but something went wrong (I should have explained her a bit more how my phone works) so no material of that one.
Was going to do it later too, but too much to do or too much rain.

Spend one day in shooting Altai legend of Katun and Chemal. It was fun but towards the end more and more hard. I appreciate communal work, when work is really done together and there is no clear director, but then when you don’t understand the language, you’re not full part of community. So instead of one person telling you what to do there’s a bunch of people telling what to do and at the end of the day after 10h it’s a bit tiring to do “one more scene” specially when already being told that I’m free. But again straight talk help. I said that ok now I’m tired of this and everybody took great care of me, understanding quite well (I hope)

All and all everybody were super nice and friendly, when talking same language and when not. Got some movies to watch, even with english translation after hours of work. And got some superb pictures from Andrey who’s last name escapes me because I’m still not too good with kyrillic alphabet… Samarev would be my guess… [edit: But Samarcev is right]
And of course it was supernice to spend time and dance with Sveta again.

Anyway maybe because this moment on the river I started all of my classes asking people to answer to the question “who or what am I” and I ended all the classes with the same question suggesting that they write the answer to their notebooks.
Some people did and some not. Most of people probably didn’t understand why… even I’m not sure why (no, I do know). But at least my translator said that she enjoyed reading those answer after the last class.

Translators were doing a lot of work, and unfortunately they should do even more. None of them was professional in it I guess. Well actually, it’s not that they didn’t work enough, they did, so actually the festival would need more translators. Often one of the reason for me not going to classes or labs was the reason that I would have been the only person for whom the class or discussion should have been translated to, and I didn’t want to be so much trouble. Then again on those sunny days the river was so inviting that even if I wouldn’t be the only one maybe I still wouldn’t have gone.

I don’t know, somehow I feel that Im tiptoing on this text, trying to get bit deeper and personal and at the same time avoiding it.

However the festival was good. There was a lot of hapening and I’m happy to hear that they will do it again next year. Organisers had done a lot of work all and all. However there was two main challenges: 1. We had only one dance space with the floor, it had a roof but no walls so in the evenings it was a bit cold. 2. the food was, not horrible but tasteless, totally tasteless. Of course it is better than something that actually tastes bad, but still…. That’s why I’m now sitting in Frankfurt in a cafe and been eating a lot…. and will have a coffee still.

I’m quite addicted to… sweets. and a bit of mate. Thank god Sveta brought it to me from Kiev because me being sick caused me missing getting it from moscow.

Well I see Sveta again tomorrow in totally different enviroment though. Tomorrow will be great day, beginning of Freiburg CI festival. To see again so many lovely people, few of them who I love deeply, and specially the one I love, finally after 4 weeks.

Other totally trivial but super good news. My father got the packet that Conspiracy send, so now I have “new” ISIS on vinyl. Different thing is when I will actually listen to it. or will I ever.

Travelling and tiredness makes me overly sentimental. I had tears in my eyes so many times today in the aeroplane, some of it from missing people, some of it from sadness, some of it from great joy of being alive, some of it from happiness of meeting people again.

I never lose, really.
I never loose anything. Sometimes it’s so hard to believe and experience.

Another memory that I can’t put into words but I’ll try anyway and fail trying.
Maybe because of hearing music and just being reading diceman again on the edge of falling a sleep having a wake dream that everything is alright, that eventhough I’m alone in this bed, there is person who loves me and is not far. and in this moment the persons and time mixing, being same time in the past present and future… and yet this was not the sensation I had, this is just words trying to grasp the sensation, but missing the essential: the sensation.

About same thing happened after river experience. Words cannot reach it, but I noticed of myself thinking along the same lines as just before the experience, not to think it over, but to have the experience again. But it was gone already. Why I try to hold something I know is flowing. By trying to hold I miss the experiences now. By trying to think on the same lines to have the experience again, I don’t let my though go and have new experience of the same thing in some new way, or totally new thing….

I don’t know much about my life. It’s good in a way. We never do, but it’s nice to plan or have a somekind of hunch. Anyway I got invited to Kiev in beginning of May. I was quite happy and Am happy about that. Ruslan is such a nice fellow, I feel pity sometimes that we don’t speak the same language at all, there is quite a few topics I would like to talk with him. So I’m going to Kiev on may, and maybe before that to russia again. So workvice some little things happening. Its nice.

One down


Ok, one festival down.
I’m totally tired and I don’t understand why.
I didn’t do ay intensive. I did too classes.
I did dance in the jams a lot.
But still being tired all the time is getting tiring.

Tomorrow to siberia, Novo-sibirsk and then night trip on a bus to altai mountains.
More free time… well easier schedule I think.
I took loads of free time now too.

Two weeks still.

Met Ice queen, such a lot of fun.
Met some other people too. Great dances, great people.
Most of them I’ll meet again soon.

But Masha I’ll miss a lot…
Let’s see how my life turns out.
Probably no net for a while.

Oh, one superb thingy, Nathan from conspiracy told that because GLS (well actually Itella) lost my packet) GLS will cover the whole sum. And for cases like this they have a couple of copies saved. so they send me new packet with almost everything in there (Wolves in the throne room missing, but I got that from elsewhere) Now I just hope that my father picks it up…
But superb work from Nathan and Conspiracy Records. So many thanks.

So many things…


ECITE is over, we ended on friday and went of to Liverpool to do some performance.
Friday night performances were at the Blue Coat theater… Kind of usual stuff as shortly improvised performance vise, but the place was really really nice, as a building or atmosphere somehow.
I remember mainly just hoppalappa postfolki tantzi teatteri… but they have worked long time together. Liisa’s solo partial thanks to the child who was crying on the next space, duve kind of thingy, and of course Ville’s verbalopening on the last bit.

What do I have to say about ECITE? Somehow after reading… well it’s not about that. it’s just me. I feel that I didn’t share or exhange so much about teaching, at least verbally. But I exhanged through dancing and dancing was mainly really good. I’m specially happy about dancing with Mathilde in Karl’s DJ jam so that we wanted to continue the exploration as a performance in liverpool on saturday…

I’m jumping around I know.

ECITE was good, let’s see how we figure it out in finland next year.

So on friday performances where in blue coat theater space. On saturday they were in A Foundation gallery space or spaces. A lot of space.
I notice that I get highly frustrated on discussions how things should be done… specially when performance should start around 15 o’clock and we start to talk about overall arch about 14.55.
But I think that beginnings and Ends group score in the big white space were good. Also there was some beautiful small things happening like Steve’s and that livepoolian guys singing in golden space. As well as Liisa’s and Peter’s duet next to the golden space. I just hope more people would have found those spaces earlier and actually seen them well enough. I also think that Mathilde’s and mine small thing was good. I really enjoyed and I was very happy to get Peter’s positive feedback (verbally and graphically) about it.
But maybe the nicest thing in the weekend was that V came to liverpool and we had some time together.

I understand well why buddhist monks were not married.. well some of them are now. But it’s sometimes hard to not to be attached. And when being attached it brings up so many emotions… Good and bad.

After the weekend… We came back to london. On monday, yesterday I had a flight to moscow with Caroline and Lily. We had agreed to see at 14.00 before check-in. I get into the tube at 13:00, minor delays in piccadilly line. aha.. I change tube two times, we sit and wait around… again, so much for me to learn. I sent loads of messages to Caroline that I’m late. Finally I get into airport and check-in (she went ahead but booked space for Lily and me next to her) go through security. get myself a coffee. Gate is open and we wait for Lily who’s also stuck in tube.
She comes through we make it to the gate when they’re boarding, no worries.
In the plane captain announces that we’ll be delayed about 30 min. And we have 30 min change in Wien. No worries.
We get to Wien, run to austrian airlines info desc to find out the gate. We run through security to the gate. Moscows plane is late as well and the woman behind the counter tells us that it’s still possible that we got our luggage on to the same plane. Normally the time between should be 25min, now it’s 19. OK.
Another nie sit in the airplane, and I start to think why the hell I’m coming to moscow now anyway… Well at the time, coming to the teachers meet sounded like a good idea. but being so tired a couple of days rest in helsinki doesn’t sound bad either… but nothing to be done anymore.
We get to moscow, we find our luggage, Jeij.
I get to Andrey’s Jeij, tomorrow teachers meet starts.

Still no sign about conspiracy packet. Finish mail Itella and GLS has lost it somewhere. Itella is doing it’s job so badly.
I hope GLS will find it but they have now looked for it about 3 weeks and no sign. I wrote to them yesterday but haven’t got any answer yet.
I’m not happy about this. almost all of the vinyl in the packet is sold out at the moment.

This comes to owning things again. I want to know that I have them. In real world I wont be able to listen to them at least in two months. if things go like I planned I won’t be able to listen to them until january (well, it’s not a plan, but a hope/wish/belief). And because no one knows the count of our days I can’t be sure will I ever hear/see them. But I still like to feel that they are there, that I own them.. and that’s why I’m not happy about packet’s being lost.

Ok… I start to drift.. later again me thinks.


It’s way too late in St.Petersburg but I’m not able to sleep probably anyway. Tomorrow is an early morning start towards lake Laatokka. So What I’m doing is reading this buddhist stuff from wikipedia and this caught my mind a bit: from Skandhas

To give a simplistic example, if one believes “this body is mine” or “I exist within this body,” then as one’s body ages, becomes ill, and approaches death, one will likely experience longing for youth or health or eternal life, will likely dread aging and sickness and death, and will likely spend much time and energy lost in fears, fantasies and ultimately futile activities.

The only thing that I disagree, a bit is that… well the suffering and dread is caused by longing of being young. I can think I am this body because it’s what I am. Then it’s a different thing do I just see what I am, or do I want or long to be something else, like young healthy etc.
I still think that I am my body. But the question is what is I. and this is the thing that buddhist keep going on about, i guess. I as a concept am my body and my body is those 5 skandhas. I can see that. When I let that longing go… I’ll still be my body, the conceptual self. and when the body dies, I die. That’s it.

I still think that buddhism is not about something that goes… aw… fuck. no. I want to see buddhism as something, not about future, not about striving for nirvana like it would be heaven. If it would be so then I can’t see much difference and then striving is longing. So with longing for nirvana I’ll lcling and bind myself and my life to that concept and ideal. And everything is changing and I shouldn’t cling. So I can cling to not clinging.. It’s endless and totally hilarious.
Anyway I want to see buddhism something for life, for this moment, not for future or past because there isn’t any and actually there’s not even present moment because it’s only here in comparison to past, future. So this moment is eternity, something for eternity.
Yeah maybe I follow these ideas of Tao more. If I worry about my karma and I try to make good karma is it really good because it’s thinking of self, it’s something for me. If actions are immediate, without judgement without labelling… now.. I can’t say what they are because then they would be labelled…. Such a lot of fun…

I remember this talk we had with pre SOS meeting group about doing good. And Ville said that he doesn’t want to do good, or was it that he doesn’t want to help. Like if there someone who needs some food he might go to shop and get some food and have talk and so on, but it’
s not helping, it’s just being together in the moment, sharing something, the moment, the eternity…

I start more and more get this Sunjata, Shunyata, Sunyata…
Everything is empty, ever flowing, without true “self” or stable substance.
And it’s also clear why De Dao Jing says: Those who talk don’t know, those who know don’t talk.
Words as well as thoughs are ever circling around of reality, but they never catch it.

So while I’m at it I’ll just write this out as well.
Why do I dance CI?
This idea of Tao and Wu-wei, immediate action without judgement, doing what is needed, what is natural, with out trying to make it anything else. And this perception that the experience and the experiencer is the same. From those both I have very clear experiences when dancing. I do not react. I justg act, I don’t “think” about the action, is it good or bad, where it will lead where is came from I just be in the dance. and I can’t say it’s me who is dancing. dance, me, moment, weight, experience, perception are all the same one thing. When I’m inside of this frame of dancing CI I am free. But I’m free inside of the frames, when I come out of it, or if for some reason my partner doesn’t have the same frame, I very easily start to question things. But questioning doesn’t mean judging. But just being more aware of the principles behind the choices (partners and mine) and the past and the future. If I don’t long for and don’t judge (these go easily hand in hand) all the dances are good. But it’s not always easy.

Ok.I’ll stop now before I get more mixed up.

Songs I hear(t)


Not quite that warm yet though… well some days ahve been, today, not.

Been busy mainly just digitizing my cd’s. Pretty dull in a way but then today I listened Kent for a such a long time and my god.. I don’t know.. what is nostalgia? Because I don’t relate those song so much in my life. I can remember when I heard some of them for the first time and so.. But mainly I think they move me just because they’re so undenyingly good. Listen Kräm (så närä får ingen gå) or 10 minuter (för mig själv) from Verkligen or Blåjeans, Ingenting någonsin or När det blåser på månen and tell me those song aren’t great and I tell you’re tone deaf. So moving so great so beautiful songs. It’s awesome.
THen I listened some old days like Fell of the floor, man and Via and same thing… Uh. deeply moving. or then it’s just the time of the year.Or then it’s just that I really listen…
I can listen or then I can really listen, let myself go into the music or let the music come into me. And the sensation within these two just listening and really hearing/being is very different. Like.. err.. I hear the same things.. same sound waves but in latter I really let them sink in deeper emotional level and that’s why I’m moved. Often specially in company I can’t or I don’t dare to let myself really listen because… well maybe there’s this tough that it makes me vunerable because it makes me cry but actually.. it doesn’t it’s deeply empowering.. Maybe it has more to do with “normal” social behaviour and how people tend to react on crying. ANd it’s great to be with someone or someones that you trust that they don’t get uncomfortable and you can really listen and really let yourself feel and be in the music as full as you are. But there’s not so many people I’m comfortable enough to do this, but maybe I should start to give people more credit.

So my father got himself a new toy, which mean I got a new toy. It’s nice, it’s noce from him also.
Now I can do internet stuff in my travelling too if I want (like bide.be.

The promise I gave was fullfilled today. Mirva cut my hair and I’m so very thankfull for her. It would have been so different thing to go some barber who I don’t know and who doesn’t know than to have it made by a dear friend with whom I have shared (and am sharing) such an important part of my life, dancing CI.

Talking about Mirva and CI I was in her last class in Kiev (didn’t make there untill the second day after her class) and it was the first class maybe in 3 or 4 years at least when somebody is teaching some technically really advanced material. And don’t think this in a wrong way, advanced isn’t really a thing as such. Most of advanced stuff is always just basic but with different depth. Butthis stuff she gave on counterbalances was really difficult. And if you do it “wrong” it’s quite easy, but to do it right like she showed you have to be so aware of your center, mass, support and directions that it’s just not an easy thing to do. She’s really great teacher.

I don’t really know what else. I’m wondering how I will live with my new hair. One dear friend of mine told that hair carry a lot of our past in them, and if you want to change something in you or your life cutting hair might help. I do want a change, but like always I want a fairytale change, let’s see will it happen.
Some changes are for worse…. but I don’t know how to write about this so I won’t. Just that one more reminder that there is always real people behind the tabloid news.
My life is good, DO I appreciate it enough?

But people are different I have couple of friends who are like me, that they’re mostly complaining about things. More often, if not seeing just the negative side, at least stating it out. Eventhough in my eyes their life is in many ways so easy. But in them I se myself. I’m like that to, my life is so easy, that’s why I have all this time to complain in the first place…

Soon, maybe I’ll try to do some songs… next week I think. just something raw… easy uncomplicated. Same chords, same notes, over and over again.

You are free.

CI – Technique – Patterns

“I got the technique but I’ve lost the dance.”
So what is that technique, I wonder. We are talking about CI here again. There is no technique? or is there? Uh. The whole dance is based on sensations of forces, touches, levers, frictions, surfaces. So you need a technique to make yourself aware of these things, that you can sense them, read and react and alter your reaction as your reaction alters your sensation. So how can the technique come in between the dance, when dance equals sensing and moving with it?
Probably not, the problem more likely (I don’t know the case so well) is in the misunderstanding of “technique”. Often people seem to think patterns, movement patterns, as technique, but they’re not, they’re just patterns. They are useful yes, but only with your senses open. That you can sense when to use the pattern, and through that sense you start to sense how to alter the pattern so that it will work better in the circumstances, and soon you’ll be altering the pattern all the time and eventually, hopefully, you are not even aware of the pattern but you are moving the best suitable way according to your senses and your energy/feel of the dance happening.

So repeating pattern doesn’t necessarily open up your senses, thus it is not a technique that you need, it’s only a pattern. Pattern connected with sensing can become a part of the technique, when by repeating a certain movement you start to sense smaller and smaller changes in the actual happening, how the weight transfers, how my body parts connect, how by altering the movement, or place of my hand, a small changes happen in the action of my legs.

And becoming aware of this, these, you are in the actual moment, you are in the dance, you are dancing. Yes, you might be stuck still from time to time, but we are all stuck from time to time, it will pass.

Patterns are problematic because there is a sense of “right” in there. “To do something right, it has to happen like this.” “this is the right way to react to this happening” “this is the right movement”. But there is no right movement, there is several right movement and there is several wrong movements, they can even be the same movement, the key is sensing. What is happening right now? Movement, pattern made with sensing the gravities, forces, bodies is always right. Movement without sensing is easily wrong, and what is wrong after all?

So patterns are problematic but they’re also useful, because by repeating a movement you can start to sense smaller and smaller changes in the movement, action, structuring, everything. We are not learning patterns to learn them, we are learning them so we could learn something through them: Sensation of the weight of the head, how is it to be head down, how it is to align yourself on someones back, how the tone of body effect the movement.

It’s ok to get stuck in patterns, after all, we all have them, habits, and when we learn out of them we will get new ones, we are never without them, so it’s ok, but by starting to see them, and through them we learn more, and we are still/again dancing, making every moment alive and singular, not countless repetation without change. (there is never repetation without change, but if we dont’ feel/sense it, it will feel like repetation without a change)

Every dancer, musician, painter is training, doing the same thing over and over again, countless repetations, but learning, maybe slowly, maybe suddenly fast, but learning, changing. Do not think that dancing CI would be different. Only difference is that there really isn’t “right”.
When we get stuck with patterns we often also get stuck with ideas of good and bad and right and wrong. We want to be better, who wouldn’t. By making ourselves more aware of what we sense, what are our other possibilities in this moment (instead of prelearned pattern) we will get better.

I’ve been dancing CI about 7 or 8 years now. Within last two years I felt that there is all the time new routes, new sensations to be found. It might be that in the two hours of dancing, there is one glimpse of some new pathway. But the whole two hours is needed and the whole two hours is full movement and joy. And after all that, that small glimpse isn’t anymore precious than the rest of the dance. It’s all the same dance, It’s all valuable, it’s all joy.
I don’t dance to get that new pathway. I dance because I dance, because I enjoy it, because I want to, and those new pathways come out from that.

This post is related to my previous post, I got feedback that didn’t finish the though, but actually I did. this is just for help, talking just about CI, trying to make some of the things written already even more clear.
Hope this helps.

Memory fades


So a lot of new music as always.
You can read reviews of the new Portishead from somewhere else. Let me just say that I like it. It’s clearly Portishead (well Beth Gibbons voice is so recognizable), but at the same time it’s something new.

Capsule‘s Blue is good. Nice mix of fastness and slowness, simplicity and complexity. It stayd on my turntable for quite a long time.

I didn’t really got into Caspian or Beware of Safety yet, but I’m not on post-rock mood, so maybe later.

Bossk‘s 1. is very very good. but 2. doesn’t move me so much. Why is this? Well it’s very hard to say because they’re quite a like, but maybe 1. just has more catchier riffs. But this I have stated already earlier.

I finally got into Porcupine Tree‘s Fear of a blank Planet. Yeah it’s good, I do admit that. Also We lost the Skyline is good. I like the name dropping part. I don’t know what is it. I liked In Absentia quite much, but I never got the hang of Deadwing. Maybe I have to try it again. Also I got Bass Communion‘s Pacific Codex, which at few first listens feels an dissapointment and I also got 2 cd version of Ghost on Magnetic Tape, other cd being Reconstructions by A. Liles. About this I was quite happy.

Jacaszek‘s Treny is really good. I got it because of comparisons to Max Richter and Arvo Pärt. Well to me Jacaszek is somehow simpler music than the comparison, maybe just because he is using loops quite a lot on the background, but it doesn’t make the album bad, no way. And someways if you think of the mood and feelings (which are most important stuff anyway) I can hear connections to MR and AP. Treny is actuallly an album that I have listened quite a lot and I want to listen to it more, I have this feeling that I really should listen to it more. Of course I have the same feeling about a lot of stuff, but where with others this feeling is sometimes somewhat reluctant, with Treny it isn’t. Somehow the closest comparison to this is actually Greg HainesSlumber Tides which is good also. And no wonder since both are released by Miasmah, which is a label by the other guy on Deaf Center. It figures.

I got more Troum, but I won’t say much about that yet. Haven’t really listened enough except AIWS which I liked some much I got more, so that must tell you something. I actually got Equation records tan/halo version of Sen which is probably one of the most beautiful vinyl packages I’ve seen in a while… And Sen is awesome too. That I’ve listened.

With Troum and stuff I also got Pawel Grabowski‘s Arh. Lay out is so nice for a cd. Thanks for that. And the music is haunting but I was slightly annoyed to find out that track numer three is the exact same track as Cirr’s Song II. I want something new. Or at least I would like it to be mentioned either on Arh or Cirr’s Song 7″, that it has been used before (yes I can’t remember which one has been released earlier). But if you’re into ambient and drone and not too happy moods Grabowski is definetly someone you should check out.

After a very long while I also got some stuff from Temporary Residence Limited, and it reminded me why I like them so much. First when I got the package it was so badly torn that the cover of Sleeping People‘s Growing was also torn. Luckily the actual vinyl was fine, and it was colored (yes, it’s a big deal to me). I wrote to them and got an answer a next day where they offered to send me new one (cover) with my next order. It’s not really their fault at all (I said this to them), but they are still willing to make offers. It’s so nice. And then the music they are releasing is really great. Growing is an awesome album, although I tend to get stuck with the “last” song having, not just vocals, but Rob Crow on vocals which make all the difference. Other one from TRL is The Drift‘s Memory Drawings which is beautiful music and beautiful vinyl as well.

Then I got a couple of Nadja releases. they are releasing too much… too much I say… Or he is. It’s so hard to keep up just with Aidan and Nadja releases. God. Well I got 2002 version of Touched, from the internet of course. And Lo! it’s very different than 2007 version. To me 2007 is so much better that I don’t even have a words for it. 2007 version of Bliss Torn from Emptiness was better than 2005 version. Then about I Have Tasted the Fire Inside Your Mouth I’m not so sure. I actually might like the 2004 version more than 2007 version which was on the Radiance of Shadows. (I was actually lucky to get the “original” cd-r version of I have tasted…). But all and all, my hopes of new and re-recorded Nadja releases have been high. I’m not so sure anymore. Nadja/Netherworld split isn’t really that good. I actually think that it could have been released rather under Aidan’s own name, but then again Nadja’s and Aidan’s solo material have never been too far away from each other to begin with and Leah is playing bass on those tracks so, err maybe that’s a reason enough. Then I got re-recorded Skin Turns to Glass. The “original” 2003 version has some my favourite tracks in it, like Slow Loss. So I as hopeful, but no. They have lifted the tempo, and thus lost the slow avalanche mass that covers the listener. It’s a pity really. I have to say I was dissapointed. And yesterday I got Trinity which has three songs 1st Aidan’s 2nd Leah’s and 3rd Nadja’s and.. well it’s not bad, I’ve only listened it to once but it doesn’t really… Well actually I should shut up. After all I listened Bodycage‘s Clinodactyl several times until I realised how good it was/is. But on Clinodactyl there are these small pieces of melody hidden underneath the mass, and those stayed on my head. I’m not sure does the new one (Trinity) have those. I know if you search you can find Desire of Uneasiness floating in the net. And I have actually found it already, but as I did with Ulver‘s Shadows of the Sun, I’ve decided to wait till I have the “original” on my hands. Then of course I’ll rip it to my hard disk anyway and listen it through the computer like everything else now days, but it’s the principle that counts. Oh with the Skin Turns to Glass came a t-shirt, which I’ve been using (almost) ever since, it’s so great.

I still have to mention this “new” stereo amplifier which has given me so much joy, really things DO sound better. I just got the Boo RadleysGiant Steps vinyl back from my ex, and my good it sound good. There really is some bass stuff I haven’t heard so well with the old stereo system I had. Great great great.

So I’m a consumerist. that’s true.

Heyheyhey. At least one more thing about music: Audrey‘s new album is being released anyminute now by Tenderversion (cd) and Denovali (vinyl) I haven’t heard a single note, but I’m 98% sure that it will be great.
Other forth coming (or already released) stuff I should lok into are at least stuff from raster-noton (at least Kangding Ray is a must, and Ryoji), I also should look more into other Miasmah stuff (since Treny is grinding my brain right now, in a good way), I actually found Miasmah originally when searhing stuff from Encre, but it was already sold out, I hope they’ll get another press of it.

Ok other stuff except music. We have an premiere on next tuesday. Today’s rehearsals were ok, I’m slightly scared and nervous. Our musician keeps tells me how stuck I am, and it’s true there’s many areas where my muscles are stuck. like back thighs, hamstrings (is it really written this way). They’re tight, but I wonder what makes them tight? My breast muscles are thight too, and that’s probably too much of sitting in front of the computer (like right now). So there’s a lot of work to do.

As soon as I returned home I gained weight, too much weight, I want to get rid of it. I’ll try.

And after that (gaining weight) I was snowboarding for three days, thanks to Kati and Elena. It was great, I haven’t snowboarded about two or three years, and I honestly didn’t remember how great it is. There was all this hassle about going, like how is going, how much it will cost, etc etc. and for a long time I wasn’t sure about going because my low budget (all my money going to music that is). But I decided to go. On a second day it was very cloudy and foggy, and after three hills I had a small brake and then happiness just came to me. I was so glad that I came there. Then on our drive back to south I felt myself coming more and more tired and depressed more close we got to hellsinki. But it’s not just the place, it’s also this idea of being on a holiday and then coming back. So I’m not moving to north just yet.

Yesterday I was searching airfares to berlin, pretty expensive, but I’m late again, I know. But I just notice that with the same amount of money (into the travelling) I could also go to italy. Now the problem is that there is a week between stolzenhagen and oriviento, and that oriviento is pretty expensive, so maybe I’ll not go to italy… but I would like to. Then again who wouldn’t?



So our first festival is over. I am thinking already the next year. Last things in sunday jam and after that out for some eating and red wine.

Sad and happy at the same time. Festivals are often such a highlights of life, lovely people, or at least enough people that you can be with the lovely ones. Lot of dancing. New faces, new things. Everything going well.

So coming back to your rutines (which I still don’t have much ) is kind of an drag.

Also my lowerback/pelvis is aching slghty but continuously which is totally annoying. Maybe I should go to ostheopath or some other sort.

Met Josphine and for some reason everytime I saw her my jukebox started to play Elliot Smith’s Alameda. I didn’t remember the title of the song, then, I knew it isn’t Josephine though. So today when I finally got home I played some Elliot Smith. Always one of the loveliest voices I know. Lot of doubled lines which somehow creates this soft harmony or fullness.

Teaching is hard. It’s so much more about the teachers appearance than what s/he actually teaches. I hope I’ll learn more.

What ever how ever. No princesses, of course not. Learning to perceive what’s there.

I know what keeps me in helsinki though.

Good night and good luck.

and somehow..


Into the world of things.
My friend Marko told me about this shop that sells Karhu originals for 60€, I got some. Why. Last time I bought sneakers (or shoes for that matter) was in summer 2004 when I got three pairs of the sneakers I liked. Now 2008 the last pair is still usable, but not for long (and no, I haven’t been wearing them in winter). So now I do the same. And good side with Karhu is that they mainly made in finland, although some are made is tallinn, which isn’t far either, and most probably by adults who get proper salary for making them. No sweatshops. And I quite like their collection.

USBM arrived. All green and red vinyl except Lurker of Chalice which is blue/black. I’ve mainly listened Leviathans The Blind Wound. I got them yesterday as well as I got packet from tonefloat. Bass Communion II and Theo Travis’ Slow life. Travis sounds nice, but I’m deeply annoyed by the scratch or click noise on the side four. I tried to look the surface of the vinyl, but I see now flaw. And it was the first time I listen to it, straight from inside jacket to plate. So that noise is not my doings. Maybe I should put it up somewhere and write to tone float and ask about the pressing. Maybe I’ll do that.

Otherwise nothing much, or maybe something. I went to see this dance/theatre/musical piece, mainly about living in suburb. First: Writing good finnish lyric is very hard, many times I felt the shivers of shame in my spine. -> Thumbs up to the performers, it need guts to sing something like that (no, not all the lyrics were bad, just some parts).
Second: Again I feel I’m being told something I already know and by using clichés, why? Don’t we have enough american movies doing the same thing. Well of course those are american clichés, where as here we have finnish clichés but why am I being told this “story”. All and all it made me feel sad, mainly because our life looks really sad, and it is. secondly that I’m being told that our life is sad, Yes I know it already. Actually I’m very much against narratives right now. Specially when I think of dance. I wrote a long letter to my friend and some of it concerning about this, so let me quote myself:

I’ve keep seeing these dance piece’s [with] high use a lot of voice and music and singing. I somehow long for pieces that are only movement, only to see if there is anything. Can it move me in anyway?
I keep seeing these pieces that seem to be telling me something I already know. And I wonder why they want to tell me that? Then I wonder what I want to tell, and I don’t know.

Some people say, that to make dance piece easier to the audience, there should be something recognizable. From normal life or culture or whatnot. Why? When I hear music there’s nothing that I can connect with everyday life (unless [in]the lyrics), And yet music has the chance of moving me deeply. Why the movement couldn’t do the same. And I know it can. But why everybody (more or less) accepts the music that can be totally abstract and still capable to make us feel, but not movement?
Why on applying grants I have to tell what the piece is about – I don’t know. How anyone can say what some music piece is about? And strangely, often classical music is about something. But it’s ok the listener not to know it. So why should the watcher of dance piece know what it’s about. It’s happening, you see what is happening, it might move you or then not.

So, I don’t want narratives. But I can’t say what I want. It’s the same thing with music. Words descriping the thing lack the thing itself. I can describe a good song, but there’s a whole bunch of songs that will fall straight into that description and they still don’t move/touch me, I might hate them, more likely.
That’s what I like about dance or movement or music, that in the end I cannot not talk about it. I can use some words and maybe if the person I’m talking have seen/heard the same piece s/he will understand what I’m saying, maybe. And to the person who has not, it might build up some expectations or some image but ultimately s/he can not understand.
When it’s so clear that with movement there’s a chance to go deeper, why I feel I see so many pieces trying to use words, trying to explain(maybe) and thus staying on the surface, or at least offering the watcher the easy surface to stay with.

How then build a piece that moves? I do not know. let me quote myself again

So when thinking of dance and myself, I would like to make a dance that moves something, makes somebody feel. And yet I don’t know how to do it. With music I don’t know it either, but usually the music I make, makes me feel something. But so far, from the small amount of feedback I have gotten (it’s also small amount of people who have heard anything), I can’t really say that my music has moved anyone, it might have, sure. How I am supposed to justify my attemps to make art, dance or music, when there’s no evidence what so ever, that I could make people think or feel, a bit more. And then, why do I have to justify it in the first place? The answer is saddening, to live, to be able to live, to make money.

Is there a chance to live with art. I so hope there would be, but not for all who would want it. Not for me it seems. So how do I deal with the situation I am. How am I able to change it?

Oh well, same questions over and over again.
Everything’s the same my dear, and somehow, it will never end.

…on me

Such a tragical things happening in finland. Now, who would be sensible and count some 1+1 maths and add more funding to health and social care and some super extra funding to mentalhealth care? Probably no one. All those things were taken down on the beginning of the 90’s when the depression hit finland badly. Since then our economical situation has improved hugely (or so they say), but no one has said that the money should be placed back to these things. No, instead they are making lighter taxes and more freedom of big corporate business hoping that finland would have some jobs here left. Well, sooner or later someone in india or china is willing to do all things cheaper. We are heading towards US. Take care of yourself, no one else.
More we have people who have nothing to lose, more we have violence around us.
Our lives are sad and empty so please buy something new for yourself, with hope it would fill you up, and it won’t. But we don’t stop buying.

Speaking of buying: Got two albums today, MGR’s Wavering on the cresting heft and Jakob’s Solace. First one on orange/black vinyl and the latter one on, one red other black. Haven’t listened them yet, although I listened Solace from computer just. It was nice like I remembered. Will these two make my life more fulfilled, give me/life some meaning? Probably not. Nevertheless I have some hints that with out music I would be feeling much more depressed. Who knows really. I don’t want to try to be with out it, anyway.
I have written this before: I do think that the act of buying gives me some satisfaction, my though/hope of it, is bigger than the actual pleasure it gives me. Yes, I hope I would feel fulfilled after getting/buying something, in this case an album, but it doesn’t make me feel so. How ever after getting the album, the music that it contains has a chance to give me this feeling of fulfilment or happiness or contentment. This of course is not the case with every album I buy. Some of them don’t do much, some of them give me something and few of them give me this immense sense/feeling of joy and bliss.

Right now I apparently can’t stop listening figures by Aidan Baker. It’s really great, even if it doesn’t give me the sense of bliss.

Jesu’s lifeline is too happy/soppy.

I still haven’t got my Ulver from Jester. I don’t know where the hell post have misplaced it. From jester they promised to send me a new one, but I haven’t heard anything from them for a while. I think I have to buy the bugger from the shop.

Anything more personal?
Well, I was having my own rehearsals (or should I say practise) today, and it was crap. That just fine because yesterday I had one session for 3 hours and that went really nicely. So it was bound to go bad today. Tomorrow I have only an hour, so a quick warm up, and two go throughs, two different pieces other about 10 min and anpther around 20-30 min. Let’s see.

Christmass is coming. I better record something soon too.

I was on the premiere of wintercircus today in hurjaruuth. It was.. well I don’t really want to go there, go and see for yourself. But I had heard some rumours that Hannu & Kerttu could be taken on a re-run. I was doubtful and rightly: On the hand program of wintercircus was hurjaruuth’s coming shows for the spring and no hannu & kerttu there. Pity, but no surprise.

I think sometimes, on a company of the person I now, I talk too much. I am lonely. There’s no one to talk to, so when I meet someone, I talk too much. I’m like my granmother on the age of 30. Great.

going forth

this record can not

Too much music, if that is possible? No, too little time, even though I have all the time in the world since I still have no job. I can’t understand people who get their last.fm to show over 300 songs per week. I think they must have left the computer playing even when they sleep or go away.

Adam Franklin’s Bolt of Melody sounds nice. Of course much more laid back than the stuff with Swervedriver, but what did you expect. Actually the last Swervedriver was laid back if I remember right.

I finally got The Ocean Fluxion/Aeolian vinyl. Fluxion part I quite like, Aeolian part not so much. Eventhough when I ordered it I’ve had only heard Aeolian. Of course the vinyl being white, black and clear affected my decision. And when I finally got it, they were actually white, black and grey. But I think I like the grey even more because it’s kind of marbled, you know. Anycase I win. No complaints.

Got Sufjan Stevens’ Illinois, which of course is great. I wonder why Asthmatic Kitty doesn’t deliver those on vinyl to europe anymore. Or maybe the shops haven’t ordered them. See, I could not find them anywhere as a vinyl. So I ended up ordering them straight from AK, this of course ment trouble. First they didn’t deliver vinyl to outside US/canada for a while because of the shipping rates. Then they figured it out, saying add 8$ to the order to cover the shipping, which I did. Then the shop (ccnow) added even some more for the shipping. I did notice it, but thought… What did I though. Well the price wasn’t too bad even with the 8$ plus extra shipping. But then the buggers send it so that it got caught in the customs. And at this point that extre shipping price was too much since without it, I wouldn’t have to pay any custom or tax, but with the extra shipping (around 7€) it just got over the limit and I had to pay 10€. Well even with that, those three lp’s costed around 60€ which would have been the same if I had found them in any record store here, so maybe I should not complain. But I do. Anyway, since then Asthmatic Kitty has made the shipping costs bit more clear, now it’s 7$ per item. So it’s ok now.

Apparently my life and thoughts evolve around money and lp’s/cd’s/music. This is pretty much true.

I’ve been also taken up the job to be the contact person wo zodiak about CI jams. They let us have the space for jams fairly cheap. Which is nice.

And I’ve been doing some with the forth coming festival.

Could be enough for now.

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